Valiant Living Podcast
Welcome to the Valiant Living Podcast where we educate, encourage, and empower you towards a life of peace and freedom.
Valiant Living has been restoring lives and families since 2017 by providing multiple levels of care for men and their families. Fully accredited by The Joint Commission, Valiant Living has earned a national reputation as a premier treatment program, offering IOP, PHP, and recovery housing programs for men ages 26 and older. Founder and CEO MIchael Dinneen is a nationally recognized therapeutic expert, speaker, and thought leader in the behavioral health field.
On this podcast you’ll hear from the Valiant team as well as stories of alumni who are living in recovery. If you or someone you love is struggling to overcome addiction or trauma, please call us at (720)-756-7941 or email admissions@valiantliving.com We’d love to have a conversation with you!
Valiant Living Podcast
Valiant Victories: Brady's Courageous Journey Through Addiction, Recovery, and Purposeful Living with Valiant Living
The struggle with addiction often feels like a lonely road. Today, we're privileged to have Brady, a Valiant Living alumni, who bravely shares his enigmatic journey from addiction, through recovery, and into a life of purpose and fulfillment. We venture deep into the dark corners of addiction as Brady lays bare the heartaches he encountered, prioritizing alcohol over family, and the resultant emotional regret and impact on his health.
We navigate the treacherous terrain of Brady's addiction, and the toll it took on his relationships, health, and life as he knew it. His story paints a grim picture of a man, caught in the relentless grip of addiction, facing the harsh realities of acute liver failure and a broken home. However, a silver lining emerges as Brady talks about finding strength in his lowest moments and beginning his recovery journey with courage and determination.
Join us for this enlightening conversation, as we discuss the beauty of recovery and the promise of life after addiction. Brady's experiences with the Valiant Living program offer rays of hope, emphasizing the importance of mastering your emotions and leveraging the tools available for overcoming addiction. Whether you're fighting your own battles or know someone who is, this episode is a testament to the power of recovery and the possibility of a full and satisfying life post-addiction. Embrace this opportunity for transformation, inspired by Brady's journey, and remember, it's never too late to seek help.
Hey everyone, welcome to the Valiant Living podcast, where we educate, encourage and empower you towards a life of peace and freedom. I'm your host, drew Powell, and I'm a grateful alumni of the Valiant Living program. Valiant Living offers hope and transformational change to men and their families struggling with addiction and mental health challenges. So on this podcast you'll hear from the Valiant team, as well as stories of alumni who are living in recovery. If you or someone you love is struggling to overcome addiction or trauma, please call us at 720-756-7941 or you can email admissions at valiantlivingcom. We'd love to have a conversation with you, but for now, let's dive into today's episode. Well, bro, thanks for doing this. Yeah, brady, we call this Valiant Victory man. You're one of our valiant victories, still working on it. Still working on it. I know it's working.
Speaker 1:Dude, I've been so excited for this. Your story is incredible. We became friends probably I don't know nine months ago. A year ago, we met through the Valiant program both alumni of the program and you just have this contagious energy about you, man, and we're going to talk about this some on the podcast because I want to hear your story, but I want to also talk about how you're just living life now in recovery. So, dude, thanks for doing the thing, for being on.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely, man, I'm real excited for it. It's funny, I'm pretty we can talk more about it, but we talk about controlling emotions and things. I'm pretty even keeled now. Live a month ago, not at all. And so I was walking in. I'm like man, I kind of got a little anxiety, a little nervous, and then it's just, it's funny because we're not even talking about recovery, right, we're talking about a podcast or coming into this, and I'm like, all right, I can use the tools that I've developed just for a situation like this, like, step back, what's the threat? And I'm like, oh, I'm excited, so, yeah, so all that said, yeah, I'm excited, man, I've been looking forward to it too and I think it'll be awesome, yeah man and let's start, kind of you know, at the beginning.
Speaker 1:let's start in the beginning. Let's start your beginning of your addiction recovery, kind of you coming into valiant and I don't want to gloss over anything because your story is important. But, like I said, I think one thing I love for the people that are listening to this to hear from you is this last, how long it's been a year or two years since you've been, since you left valiant.
Speaker 2:Oh well, I left valiant and it's been. I came into valiant December 16th and then my sobriety date would be my I guess you can consider medical detox or my. It went from an ER to ICU, stay two separate weekends and yeah, we can talk about it. So I'm 11, a little over 11 months sober, so almost to that year mark.
Speaker 1:That's awesome.
Speaker 2:And then living in recovery. But we can. We'll talk about the difference on that too.
Speaker 1:Get my thoughts on it, you know, and yeah, whatever I mean, just ask away, man, and we'll roll, yeah, and I just I love the way that you're living your life now and you said it early already it's one day at a time, right? None of us feel like we've got it, like that's probably the scariest place when you're like, oh, I got this. But the way you're living is something that even for me, in my recovery, I aspire to. It's like, yeah, there's got to be more than just making it and just getting by. There's this full life that awaits us if we're willing to take a day at a time. So, yeah, let's start at the beginning. Let's talk a little bit about what got you into treatment in the first place.
Speaker 2:Okay, so I guess, yeah, we'll call it because it's funny, because my kids love origin stories, so we'll do it like an origin story, the Brady Origin story.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the Brady.
Speaker 2:Origin story. So obviously I was born no. But growing up you know I was born in, you know, grew up in the late 80s, early 90s was like my book, my childhood. I'm 41, born in 82, just to put a timeframe on it. So alcohol was 100% normalized in my entire childhood and growing up and it was everywhere, gotcha, I mean. So when I first started looking at car magazines there was still, you know, cigarette ads, there was alcohol ads, like it was normalized.
Speaker 2:You know my parents, both, you know, heavy drinkers. My dad is now in recovery. He hasn't admitted it but you know, obviously if you stop drinking there's a problem or maybe he just wanted to do it, I don't know, it's up to him, but so he quit drinking. My mom is still, you know, still drinking. We'll kind of leave that aside. That doesn't have much to do with what we're talking about here, but in terms like the origin story. So alcohol was normalized. So we, every time we were camping, you know my parents were drinking. Every most childhood photos, I see, you know there's beer in it, all the family parties, you know, and that stuff. It was normalized. I didn't see anything wrong with it. Most of my family members were able to, you know, control it or be what we call an normie, right, right. So I didn't see a problem with alcohol really forever, up until like what do we say in the rooms it works till it doesn't right, until it wasn't working. So, and I'm not blaming them or anybody for that it was just that's the product of my age and how we grew up and it's very similar for all my friends and people of that. But so, with that aside, so being normalized, so I started drinking.
Speaker 2:I didn't drink much in high school. I smoked a lot of pot and I'd always like, you know, oh, it's safer, you know, it's better for the health and things are coming out. It may or may not be, regardless, it's still an narcotic, it still changes brain chemistry, it still makes you feel different. So I'm not going to say it's good, bad or indifferent, it's in, I'm indifferent to it, right. So I really didn't start drinking much until I was about of legal age. I got to drinking high school and there were some, you know, moments where I got in trouble with drinking high school and stuff, but really didn't start drinking, all about legal age.
Speaker 2:But then by about, I'd say, probably 25, it was. If it wasn't daily, it was, like, you know, every single weekend, really, yeah, and then it was just, but it was partying, you know, and it was all and it was all you know partying, and part of I guess, like, like the childhood and growing up is well, I won't get into like the whole timeline and everything, but we got away with stuff in high school and like college years that we probably should not have and it's, it's dude, it's wild stories, like things. I tell it to people and they're like, you're making this up. I'm like man, I'm really not making this up, like, and then, so where there was, no, I don't know what the word would be for it Like we didn't have any like consequences to the actions, right, I see, yeah, and I think that part of that molded into into my alcoholism, into my, you know, drug addiction, into my, you know, you know, using or whatever you want to call it.
Speaker 2:So, because I didn't think there was any consequences, it was normalized, everybody did it, you know you can control it for a while, you know, and so the, and then once the consequences hit, which we'll get to, then that was, you know, a problem.
Speaker 1:So so you feel kind of like untouchable in that, like, oh, I could just use party, do whatever and just bulletproof yeah 100%.
Speaker 2:I mean, I think that's every like you know mid 20 year old that's out there partying Dude, do you? I mean, you know how it was. We could stay out at the clubs, we could party. You know, get it, you know. Shut the bars down at two after party till four, get an hour, half hour of sleep, shower, brush our teeth get the work.
Speaker 1:Bro, we're the same age, like I was born at 82 as well and it's like I look back, I'm like there's no way, like how's that even possible? And also the things we did. You're just like we were insane, stupid, stupid.
Speaker 2:I've talked about with my friends. Like there's multiple times like I just one of my buddies that's in recovery to we're just there, like there was a night we're downtown and it is all just just a quick story, but talk about the dumb stuff that we got away with like we should not be alive, right, but he was in like a roll home that he had designed and built downtown and we were like we wanted to grill or something was like two in the morning and then so I ended up walking across like the roof or the railing, like three units down, and we're on the you know, the fourth floor of the fourth patio, grab the propane off the neighbor's thing and walk down it like totally shitfaced, like how did I not die, you know?
Speaker 1:You probably have a hundred stories like that. It is yeah.
Speaker 2:And then in you think back about it and it's like whoa, that's like the stuff that'll wake you up like what the fuck was I thinking? What was I doing? You know, like, what are we doing here? Yeah, so, yeah, so I guess we're getting a little off track, but yeah, so, daily, you know, daily drinking went to that. And then the biggest part I didn't see it in, but where, like, the biggest probably red flag for my alcohol use was in my marriage. Okay, and so we had it was. She's going to watch this and be pissed, I say this, but it's essentially like it was like, like I liked her, she kind of liked me, like we started dating and it was I mean, you could almost chop it up as, like a one night stand became like a family. So we found out that she was, that she was pregnant, and then we talked about you know, it wasn't the right time, but it was the right time. So we, so we had our first child, and how old were you at?
Speaker 2:this point 28, I think she was born in 2010.
Speaker 1:So you have been drinking all through your 20s, from little age to 28. So you brought that into the marriage. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And then, and then she and we party together. That's how we met. We met at one of my one of my boys house parties.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:It's how we met. So we met in like that party scene and everything, and then she was able to have the self awareness and the you know, the courage, the confidence. To be like this is not right, this is not right. So she got her shit together.
Speaker 1:She got it back and you just kept on, yeah.
Speaker 2:I stepped on a gas pedal, you know. So I, you know but and so we had the first kid and we'd always talk about, you know, drink. I'll make this one real short, but we always talk about drinking. We had another baby, we got married, so we had two kids, and then we got married and she'd always tell me if you don't get your shit together, dude, I'm gonna leave you. I'm like, yeah, right, like every other, care right, everything's fine, just in control.
Speaker 1:bulletproof, yeah I go to work.
Speaker 2:You know I got to work. Every day I'm building. You know I'm supporting the family financially. That's all I was doing, bro, I was drinking and going to work and I wasn't a present dad. I wasn't a present husband, yeah.
Speaker 1:That's dude. When you say that, what I've got so much, that comes up in me, man, the same thing. I think anybody listening to this can totally relate to that. Just you're there, but you're not. You're not present, you know, you're not in fully engaged, like go to work, come home and yeah, dude, I feel that deep, yeah, and we're blinded.
Speaker 2:You talk about being blinded by the addiction and I always say I'm not selfish, I'm doing all this to further family. I'm doing all sort of family. I wasn't doing shit. I was doing the bare minimum to put food on the table, but that's all I was doing, like that's it. That's it. That's all I was doing. I couldn't see it then and I see it now and it's something that you know I'm going to, that I'll forever live with that.
Speaker 2:I ruined this relationship because of my drinking. You know, like this, like this one's tough, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, I can. You're clearly that still affects you. You're emotional about it as you're talking.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean it probably always will. Yeah, you know, and it's, and it's probably it's. You know you have to work on, like the self forgiveness, because I can't change the past, I can't go back, there's no time machine, I don't have a DeLorean, you know. There's nothing that I can do to change what happened. And I hate to. I used to hate the phrase. It is what it is, but it is. I cannot change it.
Speaker 1:And accept it. What is that emotion that comes up for you when you say that, when you think back on it, why? Why do you get teary when?
Speaker 2:you Because I mean, we oh this is tough to like stay in like the correct, like realm of thinking, but you wish that it would have been different. You know, I wish it would have been different, that I would have seen it. And you know, in those things.
Speaker 1:but Is it just a sadness of like man? If I wish I could have seen, then you know what I can see now?
Speaker 2:Yeah, because Different because of that, like you know, I missed a lot. You know I missed a lot of my of my kids early childhood and milestones and growing up and things, because you know they ended up leaving Colorado and moving to Iowa. And you know I missed. You know I missed a lot of it, yeah, and I still do. You know I'm doing what I can now to you know to be present. You know, and a lot of that before was like you know, it was presence over presence, right, yeah, you know, think about it so, but, yeah, so it's just sad, you know, and and what I could have potentially done to you know, to hurt them. And I say this, I'm not joking, I say this like in all seriousness, like I hope and pray that my kids will not ever be in valiant.
Speaker 2:But, if they make it to there and that's some, you know, the cards fall and they end up, you know, like dad, and they do, they're on their timeline will be. My dad was an alcoholic, my dad ruined the marriage, you know, and then that's gonna. You know it could, it, could, I could have, my actions could affect their future, right, and so, yeah, so, and then also and I get like emotional, but there's also some joy behind it yeah, Because I can own the fact and I can. I'm working on being a better father, you know, being a, you know, a better co parent, like I wouldn't even say X in, you know, in the rooms and those things, because the connotation is bad. You know that's my child's mother and I don't say hey, your mom, you know, hey, did you talk to your mom? Or you know that's. It's like hey, have you talked to mom? And just small little stuff like that.
Speaker 1:And I can vouch for that. I've heard you before like you're. You're extremely honorable and extremely respectful in that regard, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you know and and I don't know, and yeah, I guess I that I can't, I don't even know what to say or what's going through my head. But yeah, that one'll have to kind of tap out on a response to that.
Speaker 1:I'm trying because I wasn't.
Speaker 2:I wasn't always, you know this is. This is the 2.0 version.
Speaker 1:Well, I just appreciate you know this is, I mean, a big reason I want to have you on because you're Currently, right now, I feel like you're living, so present to your emotions. That's why, you know, even was willing to dig in a little bit because I knew you would you're willing to show up to whatever emotion Is happening right now, which a lot of times in our addiction, we're just not showing up to our own emotions and so we're not willing to look and be like, yeah, man, I've got a lot of shame or I've got regret or we got sadness or whatever. And what's also true is, like you said, 2.0, or like now I have tools, like we talked before, we started recording about and our anxieties is different stuff. It's still there. We just have tools that we have now to use. And you know we'll get into some of that here in a minute.
Speaker 1:But I'm just so grateful To sit across from a brother who's willing to like get emotional and say, yeah, there's some places where I really messed up, but I'm gonna take responsibility for that and take ownership for that. And even as you were talking about your timeline, the truth of the matter is your kids are gonna see a timeline by which, man, this is where dad, like, broke the cycle, broke the cycles of generational, whatever, and this is where dad went and got help, and this is where dad Started to show up for me, you know. And so, yeah, man, it's just I, I Sent so much hope in this when you're talking, you know. So, anyways, I didn't mean to sidetrack you because I love your story, but I think there's a lot of people, especially a lot of guys listening right now, who won't stop and get help and they just keep the pattern going and then they live in the shame and they're not willing to address.
Speaker 1:Oh man, I miss so much of my kids. I mean, that's such a common thing. Especially, we're in our 30s and 40s. We're trying to build our, you know, build our empire or whatever we're doing so well. So let's pick up there. So you're, you're, you're married, you're, you're using your. What was the point for you? Where you just were like, man, this is enough, is enough. I have a huge issue.
Speaker 2:Okay, so she, so they, so we went through the divorce process and and then after that is Much on the outside that I was like everything's fine, like whatever it was, like it was a dark you know spot for me and Like exactly what you're saying, as opposed to living the emotions and working through it, and that would have been a perfect time to go to therapy and start to work on things. I was like, fuck that, I'm invincible, I'm gonna do this. So you, the gas pedal hit, and then I was you know it was hardcore working on the business. It was, you know, hardcore drinking, and it was just, it was the selfish part of me, like I'm just gonna do me now, yeah, and everything. And some good things did happen through it, you know, which is, you know I'm blessed for, but it and we can talk about that too like, like I'm generally a pretty intelligent person, you know. And then you know, so like, if my brain is a v8, you know car guy, like you know, I was sort of firing all cylinders and and then it started, we started to misfire and things started to happen.
Speaker 2:So throughout that time, my health was declining, my emotional state was deteriorating and I've lost everything in my life With in the business was barely holding on. If it wasn't for the badass guys that work for me and the team that we assembled, you know, together, I would have lost that. And it got to that point to where the only Thing holding on by a string was the business. And then I said it when we talked about, like they're earlier, like the earlier recordings, but the breaking point will to skip to it real quick. The breaking point was, I mean, I was having health issues here and there, like you know, as 205 pounds, and I didn't know why. I thought it was crappy diet, but, you know, or maybe it was just drinking, but I wasn't working out, I wasn't doing anything, like I was doing shit.
Speaker 2:But I was out in Iowa in a year ago Thanksgiving last year and went to Thanksgiving as a shit show in front of my kid's mom you know my former mother-in-law, her boyfriend at the time. Dude, I was a mess like it's embarrassing to even talk about it, but it's. They got to see me at the worst. And then we stayed in a hotel, you know that weekend and everything, and by the end of the weekend I was like coughing up blood a little bit and I was lying to myself as we talked about before. I was lying to myself I'm like, oh, it's cuz the chlorine in the pool, it's cuz the chlorine a pool. So I got back to Denver and Ended up like I was coughing up enough blood or spitting off blood.
Speaker 2:I was like something ain't right you know, and then for an addict and somebody in my shape to be like okay, like, maybe need a little bit of help, because I wouldn't do it. So I went to the hospital and I said this before, but they gave me phenobarbats, all. They're like alright, just do the fucking mess, bro, like. And they're like you drink a lot of my cat drink a lot, you know. And then so they're like whatever. They really talked to me about it. They, you know, sent me out and then I was like alright, I gotta get my shit together. You know like, I gotta do it. So I made like four days and start drinking again on a Thursday. And then one of my best friends we worked together he came up and he's like dude, like, what are you doing, bro? Like, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm fine, whatever, I'm fine, how we always say we're fine.
Speaker 2:We're fine, we're good, you know. And then, so that Saturday I was throwing up so much blood, I was like this is a problem, like looking down the sink and I'm like, oh god, like the infernatic to think, like, oh god, there's a problem. You know, there's a big yeah, there was a way bigger problem, right. So I called my dad, had him take me to the hospital, and then I'll just say it again. So I said before, but I got the hospital, I'm like you guys didn't treat me right, you know, you guys didn't do you know this, you didn't test. You like what's going on, you know? And in my, in, what I should be thinking is like you, dumbass, you're the one I kept drinking.
Speaker 2:You're like you're throwing up blood through something wrong like the alcohol goes in here and the blood's coming out. We can make a connection, right. You'd think so At that point I'm firing on like one cylinder, you know. And so what it ended up being was I had an upper GI bleed, you know, due to the alcohol. And then I was under acute liver failure. So when I weighed in I was 205 pounds, but I was like the skinny, like 205, you know, like big belly, like you see the guys with the big cirrhosis bellies. My ankles were all swollen, like you know, you see the guys walking around, ankle swam, big belly, and like now it's like alcoholic. I feel bad for that guy, man, yeah. And then so I couldn't walk, you know, and I had a. I had a really good chance of dying that night, like a really, really good chance of dying. Wow, that's what the doctor said. So they went from the ER and they put me in the ICU.
Speaker 2:And Then I remember that night I was sitting on the toilet. I had no relationship with God, I had no relationship with the higher power, you know. All I had was me and my sick thoughts. But I was like crying and I was watching my tears go down the drain, sitting on the toilet and I was like I just thought I was like man, I was like God, if you get me out of this, hmm, I'll make a change. I don't think I said I won't drink again, but I was like, you know, I'll make a change, I'll figure something out. And so then I talked to like a team of doctors and they came in and they're like well, yeah, you got, you have cirrhosis the liver and you're carrying all this water weight. So, you know, they stuck tubes in me and they didn't have to drain it. I didn't have enough. But, like I said, I mean 205 and I'm like a, I'm like a lean 165 now, you know. So I mean we're talking 40 pounds of water weight. Wow, because my liver was so swollen and everything. But so, yeah, they're like cirrhosis the liver. You know, they're talking transplant.
Speaker 2:At that point, you know, and it was just like a lot coming at me, I'm like, fuck, dude, I am dying, like I'm gonna die in this hospital room alone, scared, and I'm in a lot of pain. I'm like this sucks, yeah, this sucks, so yeah. So I kind of did that's kind of a blur, you know, talk to my dad about it. Talked to my best friend. He came in and he's just like dude, yeah, I had to tell my business partner, you know, and at that point I wasn't like, I wasn't, I didn't have the strength to be like I have a problem.
Speaker 2:You know, I said this here's what's going on, you know, it's like I gave him the concern not to cause. You know the cause I'm alcoholic, you know. The concern is I'm dying, dude, like I'm dying of, I'm gonna die of liver failure, you know. And and yeah, it was bad. So I got out and then, luckily, one of my friends and that guy I work with his wife knew I won't say any names in this whole thing. I'm not gonna say any names because I'll protect the guilty right.
Speaker 2:We're all guilty to a proven innocent, but he knew one of the higher ups here. So I came and then talked to a couple of them and they told me afterwards they're like, dude, we didn't think you're gonna come back, really, yeah. So I sat in the office, you know, a couple doors down, talked to those guys and at that point, dude, I was so broken physically, I was so broken mentally like I had no hope You're talking about. I had no hope, nothing like in, and I don't know what it was. It was just I don't know how it came to me or what you know. That's something I, you know. Maybe I can unpack or try to think about.
Speaker 2:But I had two options at that moment. I had two options Die continue I'm doing a die and the doctor's like you're not going to make another month, continue in doing what I'm. Die or, you know, pick myself up from the shit, you know, from rock bottom. You know we talk about, you know, addicts. We say rock bottom. But this was more like the climax. We want to talk about origin stories, plot. This was the climax and it's act three. What am I going to do? You know, because that's that's what separates origin story of addict is essentially the same. You know, we all end up somewhere, either at the climax or the rock bottom. And it was what am I going to do? Am I going to give up and fucking die or am I going to, you know, fix it. So I got with the guys at work, told everybody like dude, they all knew I had a problem doing drinking at work at during the days. They're like half time, they're like you shouldn't even came into work, right, you know, it was that bad you know, oh, yeah, they.
Speaker 2:Oh. I mean, I didn't think they could tell but let's come on Again we're all lying to each other, right? You know you take three, four shots at 8am just to get your ass in the shower like people are going to know what's going on, you know.
Speaker 2:So yeah, so then. So I met with here and it was like pretty much like you know, about to like only options. So the guys at work were like cool, man, get some help, and that's where I have. You know, we talk about doing gratitude every day and we'll get more about living in recovery, but that's the first thing that I say every day, like I am thankful for the support that I had in that moment and that's everything. My dad taking me to hospital, people standing behind me, not giving up on me because I mean they should have given up on me. I mean the whole world should have given up on me, yeah, and but guys, they stood behind me. And then, because I told them I'm gonna be gone for at least a month and so I was able to step back and we'll get more into stepping back. You know they was able to step back.
Speaker 2:You know I came to Valley in December 16. So got out of the hospital, I needed like a week to kind of get things, you know, prepared for me to step back, disappear, yeah, you know. And then came into Valley in December 16. I couldn't even carry my suitcases in here. We got to Foxfield. I couldn't even walk up the stairs. It took me like 15 minutes because I gout so bad on my left ankle. I mean that's how broken I was, dude, I'm a 40 year old man. No, at that point I was at December 16. Yeah, I was 39. 39 year old man can't walk up two flights of stairs, can't carry my own suitcases Like I mean I was a 205 pound alcoholic bad health. I'm gonna say right out, piece of shit. Yeah, you know when I walked in and I was December 16.
Speaker 1:I've heard I haven't seen him yet, but I've heard the stories of the before and after pictures of when you came in. You should put it up on that. Yeah, you can put it up on that. Send it to me I will.
Speaker 2:It's on the Kippu I think I'll give you the rights or whatever the powers it be, if you want to put the intake photo on, I'm fine with it, okay, okay, yeah, yeah, I've heard that, like you wouldn't even recognize them.
Speaker 1:And did you have a story about your phone? Didn't even recognize your face.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you say yeah, so it's a. I ended up. I don't think I got a new phone like right before I came in or something, but whatever. But you know the face ID and everything. There got a point in rehab that I went to like go on the face ID and it did not recognize me. Wow, so that changed. So I had to end up in it. I'm like calm people, how do I do this, right, right, how do I fix this? And so, yeah, that was like a you know shift where I saw and hear from people too, but I did not know at first, I didn't believe it, because everyone's like oh, dude, you look way better.
Speaker 2:You look way better. I'm like dude, they're just lying to me like you know, because you're yeah, and.
Speaker 2:But after I heard it enough, and then I would hear it from like people outside of valiant and things, and I'm like, okay, there's no way like valiant's pretty good, but they're not good enough that everybody in my life is lying to me at the same time. So at that point I was like, all right, things are working, yeah, and we can talk about that too, because that was a psychological shift, you know. You know I don't know where you want to go, but that's pretty much like the story, without major details.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I mean I'll give details to everybody. But, like I said, every addict's origin story and you know plot is essentially the same.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, let's, let's switch gears and let's thank you for sharing all that, by the way, I really appreciate it and and let's switch gears and let's talk about, like, just how this last year has been for you. You know, I know you just took a trip to Vegas recently. Like, so you're, you're, you're living in recovery, and but you talk about having the tools that you need. So, like I love for you just to talk to the guys, or even the family members that are listening right now, just about you know, and we're not trying to paint this picture of, like, well, everything's perfect down, everything's good, right, but but you're, you're living a joyful, peaceful life, you know, in recovery. Is that fair to say?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like things. Like things are going going really well for you because you're working your program and you're dedicated to the program and the schedule. Even before coming in today, you're like I'm going to, I'm going to work on a program, I'm going to go to the gym, I'm going to do what I need to do, like. But for the guys that are out there listening, like I don't know, like maybe I can get clean, I can get sober, but is my life going to be worth living? Is there going to be anything left for me? What if I don't like who I am after? I'm not using all those things. Talk a little bit about life, since you've left program here.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, this is. This is a deep, deep question. Yeah, but this is the, this is the beauty of it and this is what people want to hear, need to hear. Maybe they want to hear it. Okay. So let's start, you know, let's start broken, coming into valiant and everything we do here. The reason you bring this up because this will paint a picture for there, the beauty of what we learned in valiant is like so say today that you just stopped drinking, right, so that means you made one day sober and then day at a time, the next day you're sober. Today, you're sober day. I just had a discussion with my buddy. He's got like four years of sobriety. He's got zero days of recovery and then so sober is the absence of Whatever. You have an unhealthy relationship with eating tide pods.
Speaker 1:You know, we've all seen that just whatever.
Speaker 2:So, but recovery is is it's a lifestyle and it's becoming very like. Everybody's talking about all these like big words and you know, you hear it's becoming very mainstream, which some people get mad about. That I don't, because if everybody lived in recovery the world would be better, but that's, that's a totally different podcast, right, right, but so so the valiant. What I learned at valiant, you know, I spent 45 days in PHP and then 60 days in sober living and then I did or IOP, sober living, and then I did IOP for another two months, you know there. So I was here much longer than the 90 days.
Speaker 1:So you left thinking you'd be gone a month, and it turned into no, I planned on 90 days. Oh, you did okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I didn't. I thought I was gonna be out of I knew out of work for a month and then I essentially was. I worked a few hours for taxes and other things, but essentially I was gone from work for like 45 days, wow, because I wasn't ready to be put back in a normal population. Yeah yeah, let's just be honest, you know.
Speaker 1:I've never done. What we do here is we. We have to learn to reintegrate. That's a big part of what IOP is. For us is like you have the PHP part, but then it's like you got to learn how to function again in society.
Speaker 2:Oh, you, not only society. You have to learn to function like I went, because I bought a house, was in In rehab, because I was like you know, I need to, like I'm gonna change everything, like I'm gonna flip this whole script, so I didn't want to go back to my old house. I've been there 20 years and so I bought a house and I went back though to move stuff while I was still in recovery, while still in value. So I wanted, needed that support. You know, I walked in. I'm like dude, I'm like I'm living, like I say, third world country, like in a lot of those people don't put that on themselves. I put that on myself like it was a disaster bro, oh, it was back in your like man.
Speaker 1:I didn't even realize like what like what?
Speaker 2:like yeah, just like insane. Like it might as well been a homeless encampment with four walls and a roof, really, yeah, I mean bad. So it was like it's so everything to like to learn, like everything in life, not only that in society, but I had to relearn my life, because it's my theory is is that I I reverted back to the day I started drinking, so like I left for covering I'm a, I'm a 21 year old. I feel 20 right now. Yeah, you know. So I mean, I had all the responsibilities of adult, but I didn't know how to do like the day-to-day shit.
Speaker 2:You know it was wild and this is like it's almost embarrassing to say, but this is the truth. Yeah, you learn to live again.
Speaker 2:Yeah we're just because I was just functioning, you know, like I was fueled by vodka but in anger and resentment. You know it was crazy. So yeah, so back to that. But so you know, so valiant taught to learn into the kind of the foundations and the principles of recovery and that's how I want the structure to last. It will say 11 months of my life and that's. You know. I was just talking to Melissa and I told her, like valiant throws all the noodles on the wall right and you pick what cuisine you want, you know how, what you want to eat.
Speaker 2:So from the eastern side, the mindfulness of spirituality, the yoga, you know that stuff to the clinical side, with you know, as dr Martin in time. But the clinical side, like what's going on with your brain, how's your brain functioning? This is what's going on. To the therapy side, like the Western therapy side, like I had with Bridget. We learned so much here in the community aspect too, like what guys are going through, because Regardless if it's a chemical dependence, like me, or a process addiction, you know, like the SA or the gambling guys, the brain doesn't care. Mm-hmm, you know, the brain doesn't care if you're taking a shot of Tito's or snorting line of coke or jacking off, it's dopamine, is dopamine, is all chemical reaction. So having us all here with Essentially different origin stories in the same movie plot but different events, we learned a lot from everybody. Yeah, so we can figure out what sticks you know. What's working for you might not work for me, but what's you know, we combine it and that's kind of my it's a big part of it.
Speaker 1:Man and we that was one of my hesitations coming in because I was a process addiction, not substance. I'm like I don't do. All these substance guys that are, you know, do whatever and I come in super judgment or whatever and by the end I was like man, we're all just looking, it's just unhealthy escapes. We all we might have different ones, but we're all just looking at a lot of numb pain and whatever else. In a Huge part of recovery, well, in general, is the connection piece, but here, specifically about it is what you pick up from the other guys in the program. It's a big deal. We tell guys all the time like live a roommate and well, you know all this kind of stuff. And right, listen, we promise you, the thing that most guys come out of here talking about are the relationships and the connections with the guys you know and that has to stay, because that's a huge part of Leaving and getting and being successful.
Speaker 2:Post valiant right is having that is not falling back into. When I say falling back into the stuff like in terms of living and recovery, I don't spit my gum like I'm chewing in right now. I don't spit it out the window of the car, you know, like it's small stuff like that and it that make your bed.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh yeah hell, yeah, I was funny. We're in Vegas and I made my bed and then, like I looked around and say anything to the guys, but they didn't make it. I'm sure going through the head all the like the ladies are gonna come in or the guys, yeah, come in and clean it, and but I still made my bed. So, yes, I have like my morning routine is solid really. You know it's in everything, so, but in it's, but it's all the small stuff. Now, if I forget to make my bed, am I gonna relapse? Probably not no.
Speaker 2:But if I forget to make my bed, I start spin my gum out the window. You know I other things that can lead. It's like the building blocks. We got to the. We got to rock bottom, or I'll say the climax, because I'm like a wind guy, but I don't want to talk about rock bottom and that shit. Like I got to the climax of the addiction by small steps. I didn't wake up, you know I didn't come out of womb with a bottle of Tito's in my mouth, right, Right, you know like yeah, I made it took time and choices right, yeah so it's the same thing.
Speaker 2:The time and choices is just the opposite.
Speaker 1:You know it's like we have to be patient with ourselves in recovery too, because it's like, you know, stephen, when he was here, would always say man is you know? For a lot of you guys it's been 40 or 50 years of living in addiction and you think 90 days is a long time, but it's just a blip on the radar when you look at and it's 40 years to get you here. Give yourself the time and give yourself the grace to learn how to live this way in. Like you said, the schedule is so important because it's I mean you said it so perfectly a minute ago we're learning to live again as clunky. We have to be on a schedule until it becomes a new normal for us, right, yeah?
Speaker 2:100%, when you just in, what you just said is a good like transition, you know, point, we're living, you know that way. And then it's a, you know, a blip on the radar, right, yeah, okay, so 20 years of addiction for me, you know, we'll just call it 110 days at valiant, that is a blip on the radar and that's where we get to start talking about the fun stuff, because in 10 years from now, we relook at this podcast. In 10 years from now, my story is my story, like everybody has the story. But what we did afterwards, what is the ability, what we have, the ability to take our life back?
Speaker 2:Yeah, am I ever gonna get my marriage back? No, do I romanticize about it? Absolutely. I think it can happen, right, you know, but I can. There's things I can do from now, moving forward within the principles of this. So, yes, it is, that is you said it perfect. It's a small blip on the radar. Yeah, we take 110 days. It doesn't fix the 20 years of fucking up, but it prepares us for, you know, at 40 years old, we're essentially halfway through our life.
Speaker 1:I have another half of my life to live. Yeah, the back half of life is gonna be so much better. Yeah, because we took this little bit of time and this is something we encourage the guys with all the time they come, especially the guys with kids. Right, they're like man, I'm gonna miss. And you know it's funny because we'll talk to guys all the time. We're trying to find the perfect window of time in the year to go and there's just not one.
Speaker 1:Right, like when I was here, I miss my, my daughter's 18th birthday, her first year moving into college, my son's birthday. I mean, there's just all these things you miss, right, but they would always say you're, you're missing this one, so you can be present for all the rest of them. Yeah, and now that you know it's where we're in my recovery. It's been over a year. So I'm having these like anniversaries. So it's like show, being able to show up to these different events that I missed before. Man, it's so sweet and it's like and even for my kids they remember it it definitely shaped them, it's a, it's gonna be a big part of their story as well. There's no getting around that.
Speaker 1:But the time away, sometimes I'll ask them like hey, do you ever think about the time dad was gone? And it's a blip on the radar for them too, and I know, when you're here it feels like you might as well just say 90 years, because 90 days or even 30 days feels like an eternity to be gone from the people you love. But you know, like you, I was just, I was in no headspace to be around him anyway, it wasn't like I was present, it wasn't like I was there when I was there. Anyhow, you know. So Talk a little bit more. And you know, because you know we could go so many different directions with this.
Speaker 1:I mean there's we'll probably we'll have to do this again, and I mean I probably shouldn't breaking news here, but there's more of your story to be told. Let's just say that like working on Podcasts and other media and you're like you got some stuff coming out too that we're we'll be supporting whenever that happens.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure. Yeah, we can. I mean that that's a problem. I talk way too much.
Speaker 1:But at least you can understand what I'm saying now I showed up on time, yeah, and you're remembering what you're saying.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'll remember it tomorrow right.
Speaker 1:Well, talk to those guys. If you had a chance to sit down with a guy and just be like listen man. I know it's tough what you're going through like from your vantage point now. So you got a little bit of perspective and, like you said, 10 years from now, it's gonna feel even more different every year from now.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, every day.
Speaker 1:Give them some of your like hey, this is, this is what I wish someone would have told me, or this is what I'd go back and tell Myself a year or two ago. I know that's a loaded question.
Speaker 2:It is. It's hard to say it with like it's hard to say it like being, you know, being nice to myself, right? Because sometimes when I say things about myself it comes off overly self-critical. Yeah, but I'm just saying I'm not overly self-critical, but what I would tell myself is looking back. If I took you know the time from, I'll just say do you know 11 months? Just to make it a math easy, take the 11 months. Looking back is why didn't you do this sooner? You dumbass.
Speaker 1:Right right.
Speaker 2:Why did you say, like you wasted so much time? I could have fixed a lot of stuff in my life if I would have just stopped drinking. Yeah, and that's the easy. See, that's easy answer. Stop drinking, stop using, stop doing whatever it is. You know, yeah is stop. That's the easy answer.
Speaker 2:Getting to that answer is not easy. So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be the hardest thing that you've ever done in your life. And if it's not the hardest, it's gonna be right up there with it. But that's also the beauty of it. If you, if I, could look back and say you know what? I'll give you two pills like the matrix. Right, you're gonna take one and you're gonna be cured. We're never cured, but for argument sake you're gonna be cured and you don't have to go through it. Would you do it? For me, the question is absolutely Hell. No, wow, because what I've learned and what I've gone through, there's not gonna be much in my life that is gonna be harder than what I've done and the tools I've learned and developed like that's right and just the process.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the process, the whole process.
Speaker 2:Yep, and we talked about stepping back. So I can say that and here's just a small. I'll give you one small example of that. So while I was in Vegas and for for SEMA business trip, you know, and I mean I was fine through it, we can talk about that, but I ended up I took a break on Thursday because I needed. It's the belly of the beast, right, yeah, I'm with any your recovery and that's all the things good in my whole life, bad in my new life. So so I took a break on Thursday. We play golf and then I was like dude, I want to jump off the stratosphere because I got like that sky jump.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, yeah and so I get up to the top and they're like are you nervous? I'm like no. They're like you excited? I'm like no. So I jumped off like smiled at the bottom and my heart was a while.
Speaker 2:It was. It was it was. While it was cool, I mean it was cool, it was, something to do is cool but I wasn't like freaking out and shaking because I'm in so Control of my emotions because the tools that I've learned here and we're not, we're talking about jumping off a perfectly good building. We're not talking about getting drunk right or resentment or anything, but I'm so in control of my emotions that it was just like cool, it was there, you know, and uh, and that's where, like you know, that's why I wouldn't take that pill and that's why I wish I would have done it earlier. Um, and that's a good transition to, you know, to talking to the guys. Like, in what you said, you miss one birthday, so I miss Christmas, right? No, if.
Speaker 2:I would have kept drinking through Christmas, I would have missed the rest of Christmas is for their entire life. That's right. That's right, you know. And now it joking, all joking aside, like I'm dying at a normal human rate. Yeah, I'm not dying an accelerated out of great.
Speaker 1:It's great I'm dying at a normal human rate. I love that. I know it's funny. You said people like your life?
Speaker 2:How's your life? My life's great because I'm dying at a normal rate, right and like, I'm fine with that.
Speaker 1:You know I'm gonna use that. I've never heard that. Seven four. That's so funny.
Speaker 2:So it's and that's like the things, like life is great, and then we can appreciate the small things, like if I wanted Done the work and gone to valiant and done the shit, I would not be talking to you, I would be dead. Yeah, that's right, I would be dead and that's. And unfortunately, there's a lot of people that don't have the opportunity to sit here and say that because they're dead.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like this is serious shit. Yeah Well, bro, thank you for sharing this, sharing your story. This was absolutely phenomenal and you just have a great way of of talking about it and sharing your. You're storing your perspective when you learn. Let me just give you last word, final word, just what, like? Leave us with your your parting thoughts, because there's so much more we have to talk about. We'll have to do it again.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know, I feel like we've only been talking like five minutes.
Speaker 1:I know I feel like I said anything.
Speaker 2:good, I'm like yeah uh, I guess let's just, let's just take it to like the guys that are maybe thinking about or think they have a problem is that that life is better on the other side. It gets better every day. You know it and don't let the past define you, because we have a lot to live for, we have a lot to give. You're not done, it's not over. You know, let's go.
Speaker 1:Well, we appreciate you listening to this episode of the valiant living podcast and our hope is that it helped you feel educated, encouraged and even empowered on your journey towards peace and freedom. If we can serve you or your loved one in any way, we'd love to have a conversation with you. You can call 720-756-7941 or email emissions at valiantlivingcom. At valiant living, we treat the whole person so you not only survive, but you thrive in the life you deserve. And finally, if this episode has been helpful to you, it would mean a lot to us if you'd subscribe and even share it with your friends and family. You can also follow along with us on instagram and facebook by simply searching valiant living. Thanks again for listening and supporting the valiant living podcast. We'll see you next week.
