Valiant Living Podcast
Welcome to the Valiant Living Podcast where we educate, encourage, and empower you towards a life of peace and freedom.
Valiant Living has been restoring lives and families since 2017 by providing multiple levels of care for men and their families. Fully accredited by The Joint Commission, Valiant Living has earned a national reputation as a premier treatment program, offering IOP, PHP, and recovery housing programs for men ages 26 and older. Founder and CEO MIchael Dinneen is a nationally recognized therapeutic expert, speaker, and thought leader in the behavioral health field.
On this podcast you’ll hear from the Valiant team as well as stories of alumni who are living in recovery. If you or someone you love is struggling to overcome addiction or trauma, please call us at (720)-756-7941 or email admissions@valiantliving.com We’d love to have a conversation with you!
Valiant Living Podcast
Navigating Sober Holidays: Expert Insight and Practical Strategies for Addiction Recovery in the Festive Season
Have you ever found yourself caught in the whirlwind of holiday season, feeling overwhelmed and understatedly anxious? Tune in to our latest episode as we navigate the bumpy road of addiction recovery during the festive season with our expert guest, therapist Bridget Filardi. With a decade long experience under her belt, Bridget enlightens us about the unique stressors that this time of year can bring, particularly for those on the recovery journey. Our candid conversation pinpoints the importance of self-care, acknowledging triggers, and finding healthy ways to process emotions, especially around family dynamics.
When the holiday cheer meets the nasty bite of addiction, things can get tricky. We delve into the societal norms and pressures that come into play, such as the normalization of alcohol, which can be a massive hurdle for those in recovery. But fear not, we’ve got you covered with practical strategies like keeping a non-alcoholic drink in hand during social gatherings and practicing 'parts work' to manage cravings. Sobriety during the holiday season isn't easy, but it's certainly possible, and our discussion is laden with valuable insights to lend a helping hand.
Wrapping up the episode, we gravitate towards the role of gratitude and self-compassion in the recovery process. We share an uplifting conversation with a guest who’s found solace in these practices. The importance of taking the time to appreciate small joys and practicing kindness towards oneself is underscored, shedding light on how it can catalyze significant change. The journey to peace and freedom isn't a solitary one, and this episode is a gentle reminder of the importance of seeking support. Catch this episode of the Valiant Living Podcast for a fresh perspective and practical advice on navigating recovery during the holiday season.
Hey everyone, welcome to the Valiant Living podcast, where we educate, encourage and empower you towards a life of peace and freedom. I'm your host, drew Powell, and I'm a grateful alumni of the Valiant Living program. Valiant Living offers hope and transformational change to men and their families struggling with addiction and mental health challenges. So on this podcast you'll hear from the Valiant team, as well as stories of alumni who are living in recovery. If you or someone you love is struggling to overcome addiction or trauma, please call us at 720-756-7941 or you can email admissions at valiantlivingcom. We'd love to have a conversation with you, but for now, let's dive into today's episode. Well, thanks for being on the podcast. Yeah, thanks for having me. Well, you've been back again. So, finally, kade.
Speaker 2:I have been waiting my turn.
Speaker 1:Do you think you're the funniest therapist on the staff?
Speaker 2:Let's start there. I think this is really.
Speaker 1:You do even laugh more than we have a funny staff, though. I think so. It's a great staff. I think so. Right before we started, you were reminding me of the first time we met. Yes, it was one of the most beautiful and awkward moments of my entire life.
Speaker 2:And just hilarious.
Speaker 1:It was funny, yeah, but not in the moment. We couldn't laugh in the moment because it was intense.
Speaker 2:It was really intense. Do you want to tell the story? I will tell the story I want to tell from your perspective.
Speaker 1:It was like one of your first. You had just joined the team.
Speaker 2:I had. Just I don't think I had joined the team full-time, I was sort of part-time observing groups. So I was shadowing Brett's group and you guys were doing it.
Speaker 1:I'm starting to sweat just thinking about them this moment, but go ahead.
Speaker 2:So I think you guys were just jumping into an experiential exercise where he was having you guys sit on the floor and hug one another and there were like four of you lined up and I think one client was hugging you and you were hugging another client and I mean actually. That didn't happen and actually watching it, it was really beautiful because, you were really. It was really vulnerable Very much and I was watching this going like, wow, these guys are really in it. But then I was sitting there going they don't know who.
Speaker 1:I am Right, I was watching the funny part.
Speaker 2:That was the funny part. So I don't think I interrupted it, but at a break I was like I'm sorry, I'm Bridget, I think I should.
Speaker 1:You did do that. I forgot. It was a very vulnerable moment. You're like hi, by the way, I'm Bridget. We're like well, we've just been spooning. No, it was To be fair, this was our IOP group. So the guys yeah, I think it was an exercise for one of the guys. We are all very close by then.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:I mean not that close.
Speaker 2:Well.
Speaker 1:But we got a lot closer in that experiential exercise and it was really powerful. And I just remember at one point I had my back, I was back to back with somebody and all that activity was happening behind me.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And I remember Brett asking like how do you feel right now? And I was like, well, I actually have some FOMO because I knew like some powerful work was happening, but I couldn't see it.
Speaker 2:Right, because I was the guy holding, you know, holding the guy up Right.
Speaker 1:Well, brett and his wisdom said well, then switch. I was like well. I didn't mean that so then I got in the place where I was holding this guy, like we're on the floor, it was like and as we're talking about it, people would be like I'm never going to this place. It's crazy. The truth is it was great.
Speaker 2:It was, it was emotional.
Speaker 1:It was in, like I said, we had been journeying together for a while, so it was like put some strangers in the room. But the funniest part was the fact that you.
Speaker 2:That I'm the stranger, this female, and here are a bunch of men holding each other and I felt like shy At some point, just introduced myself, and so I probably did at the most awkward time.
Speaker 1:No, but you broke the tension. It was so funny. I was like, by the way, I'm Bridget, I'm Bridget. Well, seriously, thank you for doing this.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Thank you for the work you do here. I mean amazing. We didn't get that much time together when I was here, but you've been here for over a year.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just about a year now.
Speaker 1:Doing incredible work. And before we jump in, I have a specific topic that we want to talk about today, because we're coming to the holiday season, lot of stuff comes up during the holidays right, yeah, yeah. But I'd love to hear just a little bit of your story Like how did you get to Valiant, why do you do what you do, and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, jump into a topic.
Speaker 2:Well, so I've been in the field for about 10 years and I used to work at a treatment center, probably six or seven years ago, called Shadow Mountain.
Speaker 1:Recovery.
Speaker 2:So that's how I knew Michael Denine.
Speaker 1:Gotcha, that's the connection.
Speaker 2:That's the connection, and after that experience I worked in community mental health. I just wanted to work with a different population and then from there I worked in a group practice setting what is it Sorry? Community mental health.
Speaker 1:What is that? Community mental health is more yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just people who need more intense level of care, so not in a treatment center, but people who are on Medicaid and people who can't afford a treatment center but who might need substance abuse treatment in an.
Speaker 2:IOP level of care. The place I worked at was it's called All Health, so it's a huge community mental health agency but I worked specifically with substance use and I just wanted to work with people who couldn't afford treatment centers but were on Medicaid and who had a ton of issues and I was like I kind of want to get into that world, but it's also very, very challenging. So I did that for a couple of years and then I got pregnant and life changed and so then I worked in a group practice and then COVID hit, which was challenging for all of us.
Speaker 1:I feel like that's like a marker in everyone's at some point they're like. And then COVID. And then COVID, and then with something you know it's just changed the trajectory of our life, whether we're working or not.
Speaker 2:Right, completely. So then you know, the group practice got bought out by another organization and then I was doing a lot of telehealth from home, which was really isolating. And then I started working in the office a little bit, but I just was really unhappy in this job and I was just doing telehealth for like seven hours a day.
Speaker 1:You seem pretty social, like pretty relational. I can see how that might be pretty like.
Speaker 2:You kind of need to be around some people I need to be around the team, and so some people from Valiant reached out to me and they kind of recruited me a little bit. And I was like oh, I don't know, I have a young child, I don't know if it's the right time, and then I just I jumped. I said yeah, I think it is. I really miss working in a team and I really like treatment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And I thought well, it's all men, but let's do it Well.
Speaker 1:You have great personality for it, cause I remember you just jumped right in like through these groups. You just were like I'm just gonna go for it. Like I felt from day one even when you're shadowing it just like, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Part of the group.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you have to, you have to Like, you just have to go all in. Oh my God.
Speaker 2:Well, especially with these men, they smell fear. Oh yeah, so you have to go in and you have to. Can't be timid. No, and I did learn that, like the first couple of groups, I was a little bit shy and a little bit, you're a variant, you mean. Yeah, and they're. They smell fear, so you have to be strong and confident. That'd be tough. Yeah, that's great.
Speaker 1:I got so many more questions about that. But I do want to get to our topic today because we're, like I said earlier, we're coming into the holidays and in addiction recovery this can be a tough season. Yeah, really for a lot of reasons. Right, you're around parties, but also you just it's a nostalgic season. It's like I know. For me things come up Love, ones that I've lost, or other memories. There's a lot of emotions that start spinning. So I wanted to have you on specifically to kind of talk through a couple different categories, but they do like apply one to another. I mean, I wanted to start with just sobriety and staying sober during the holidays and just talk through some of the common triggers for relapse during the holiday season, you know we do have a great alumni program here.
Speaker 1:But for those that are listening like, what are some? What are some of those triggers that you've seen?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it's kind of three main things that we can unpack. I think family is a big trigger, excessiveness is a big trigger, and then expectations are a big trigger.
Speaker 2:Family excessiveness expectations and expectations. Yeah. So family. I think family is a big trigger. Whether you have substance abuse or mental health or gosh even like somebody who doesn't have anything right, Family is just a trigger. But for somebody in early recovery, family is such a trigger because there's so many variables, right? So if you're early in recovery and your family is still dealing with the trauma that you might have caused them or the betrayal they might be not knowing how to approach you, if you're seeing them for the first time, or for somebody in recovery, they're usually coming from a family of origin that I shouldn't say. Usually they may be coming from a family of origin that has dysfunction, and so then seeing that family for the first time, or even not the first time, is stressful. Right, and like I think I learned this in grad school that when you see your family of origin you kind of resort back to those family roles.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I feel that way because I'm the oldest of three brothers. Oh, okay, and I feel that. Yeah, like, until you mentioned it, like when I get around my family, I definitely start taking on some of that again.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, so what role?
Speaker 1:are you Well? I mean in my family. I was definitely the one that tried to bring levity to the stress of that we were carrying as a family unit, so I had to take care of mom and dad. Make sure mom and dad were okay, and a lot of that was through humor or you're making fun of my brothers or just being that guy.
Speaker 2:So the mascot.
Speaker 1:Exactly. So I go right back into when I'm with my family. I gotta make everyone laugh make sure everyone's happy you know that kind of thing yeah. So yeah, that really I can relate to what you're saying.
Speaker 2:Yes, and so we kind of unconsciously do that, yeah, and it feels like pressure yeah.
Speaker 1:You know it sounds like, oh, that's fun. I was like no, I actually feels like I don't wanna do that.
Speaker 2:No, we don't wanna do that, but I think you just naturally go back into those roles because that's what you were raised under in that system. And then just the pressure of the holidays, and then somebody in early recovery who's trying to, you know, navigate out of that system, but you kind of get pulled back in. I can be really stressful right.
Speaker 1:Can I ask you a wild card question already? Yes, so, cause I know you prepare even though your paper is crinkled up.
Speaker 2:You've been in the market. My paper is really crinkled. Let's just bring in to the viewers.
Speaker 1:But you did take notes. I want to honor your preparation.
Speaker 2:I really prepared in 24 hours.
Speaker 1:You don't have to call me out. At least I gave you 24 hours.
Speaker 2:I know I love you for that.
Speaker 1:So here's my question that you make me think about because, like when I was in recovery, when I was in treatment, I really struggled cause I've got great parents, I have a great family. You know, it was hard for me to identify with any kind of childhood wounds and I was very protective of my family at first because, like my mom and dad stayed together and they loved us, whatever. So for me to even like acknowledge some childhood woundings or traumas was very tough for me.
Speaker 1:But then once I did, especially in early recovery and around the hall of duty their family. Even if your family is amazing and great, all of a sudden there is this new awareness of in my case.
Speaker 2:Well, maybe this wasn't as perfect as what I thought, and maybe there was some things.
Speaker 1:So how would you like encourage those of us who are around our families and there's? It's not even like highly dysfunctional on the surface, but we in recovery have just dug up a bunch of stuff and it's almost like you go through that process of like resentment. Well, all of a sudden I'm like, well, how dare they, how could they? They're almost angry.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm saying, but then you're around them again. And now you're, but in the back of your mind, you're. You now have a new awareness of what you've learned. Right, you know what I'm getting at.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like your whole life. You're like no, my family's fine.
Speaker 1:Like I have this functional, healthy family.
Speaker 2:And then you go to treatment and you're like oh, they're not actually that functional Right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and then you reintegrate and it's like and I'm sure that based on your personality, like some people like I can see people like wanting to call their family out or wanting to like all of a sudden you're dealing I also. I'm dealing with this tension in me of stuff I'm now aware of about family dynamics and right, and now I'm thrusting this environment around the holidays, where we're spending some extended time together, right.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And a lot of emotions are bubbling up. Yes, how do we manage that?
Speaker 2:Well, so I think the holidays are not the right time to call it out, right, okay?
Speaker 1:Christmas morning I got something to say. Right, it's a holiday dinner.
Speaker 2:I want to tell you, mom, how you've affected my childhood.
Speaker 1:Before we pray over this meal, I've got something I'd like to say, I'd like to propose a toast. To my childhood trauma.
Speaker 2:Right. But I think it's important to just honor for yourself like yeah, I've been through a lot and this actually isn't the perfect childhood or you know, stable childhood that I thought and to maybe either journal about it or talk to your wife about it or talk to a support. That is healthy, but maybe not to your family, especially on a specific holiday For sure, because it's not. It's just not appropriate, and to set those boundaries for yourself.
Speaker 1:So I'm hearing you say just to honor those, yeah, on the feeling that are coming up, and yeah, kind of hold, give hold space for those, those things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and continue to do your work. Right. Yeah, because it might be through ACA. Right, it might be through more of your therapy work.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But yeah, definitely not those conversations with your family.
Speaker 1:Yeah, anything else on holiday triggers, so I also want to talk about some coping mechanisms.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so just a couple other things about holiday triggers. I think excessiveness is a big one. Okay, because I think excessiveness is so huge not only with like like alcohol is everywhere, right, mm-hmm, and advertisements for alcohol and parties are everywhere, and it's just this like permission that normalizes. You know, drinking is so accessible around the holidays and it can get really annoying for people in recovery. I've been in recovery for a long time and I still just get annoyed. Yeah, because it just normalizes it, sure, but it's also around spending and around eating.
Speaker 1:Eating, I would say gluttonous, through the holidays. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and recovery, who's trying to, you know, find their way through, you know, abstinence even that can be really triggering and it can put in thoughts in your head of like, well, I mean culture says it's okay, so maybe I can just like find a way during the holiday season. So that can be a huge trigger, right, because our society makes it okay.
Speaker 1:Well, and even rationalizing like oh, it's the holidays, so maybe I'll just have one whatever Right. And that's a slippery slope, we know, for a lot of us addicts.
Speaker 2:Right, for sure, right.
Speaker 1:And that's good. And then you talked about expectations.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, because I think sometimes we have expectations that like this is going to be the best holiday ever, especially in recovery Now that I'm not using. Like this is going to be the holiday that's going to bring my family together or I'm going to repair with, with so and so, and that's a lot of pressure, right. So that can be a trigger, because you know what they say about expectations, that they're the recipe for resentment. So that can just be pretty loaded.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, that's what it made me think of when you were, when you were saying that just now, about the expectations and what about for the person, too, that almost feels a sadness Maybe this is their first holiday in recovery and it's almost like I don't know that I like myself or like I enjoy the holidays better when I'm filling the blank Right. So that's, another thing, and that's not just the expectations, but it's also it could be someone's first holiday is doing it sober Right, so there's so much grief, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's the word. Yeah, You're almost grieving some of that, those experiences, or I had so much fun when I was doing this but I know it was so destructive, but there's still that part of me. You guys do a lot of parts work here, yeah, we do. Can you talk just a little bit about? I don't want to go too far down the tangent.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So it's a big deal for the therapeutic process that you guys do.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so with parts it's really kind of relationshiping with a part as opposed to pushing it away. So for like this example that you're talking about, if a part is coming up, that's really, you know, even missing your addiction. I know it might seem kind of counterintuitive, but to really actually sit with that part and get to know what that part is saying, as opposed to like no, no, no, I can't think about it, I have to push it away because that part's going to make me want to drink or make me want to use, actually, parts. Work is really giving that part of voice so that it can be heard. It's kind of like a child, right, like if a child has a need or wants to say something, if you push that child away, the child is just going to get louder and probably have a meltdown and isn't going to be heard. It's kind of the same concept with parts.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like you just want to give the part a voice.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's huge. Otherwise it will lead, for me at least, a suppression and ignoring that and it comes out sideways.
Speaker 2:I mean, it's just not a good look. Right, it's not a good look.
Speaker 1:But to honor that part, it's a part of me that misses a certain thing or whatever. That's really good.
Speaker 2:And then, especially if you're having a craving right, I want to speak more to that Don't just hold that inside with parts. Work, talk about it at a meeting or talk about it with a sponsor or talk about it with a friend. Because if you're having a craving, don't sit and isolate with your parts. Not a good idea. That's part of the process, but not isolating.
Speaker 1:That's a great distinction.
Speaker 2:I'm going to breath it out.
Speaker 1:You got a name, so that's really helpful stuff on just staying sober, still being present, still honoring the parts of us getting the help we need and bringing accountability. Call your sponsor if you need to during the holidays. All that kind of stuff. But let's get practical. What are some coping mechanisms that we can employ during the holiday season?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So say you're going to a party. I think there I can give you some actual tips around, like if you have a holiday party you're going to and you're really newly sober, so this is really more for alcohol. Because I think if you're, if you're a drug of choices, let's say like cocaine or opioids, and you're going to a party where people are using cocaine or heroin or opioids, you probably shouldn't go to that party. That's probably just the healthiest thing. But drinking is different right.
Speaker 2:Because it's so accepted in our culture, and especially around the holidays. So most likely there's going to be drinking at a party, right? So for those of you that struggle with alcohol and you're newly sober, I think these are just. These are just tricks that I learned in my early recovery that are that I still use today. You go to a party, make sure you have something in your hand. It just kind of helps you get that fidgety-ness out of the way, and then you avoid the questions right away of what are you drinking? What can I get you to drink? Right, you just, you already have that answered, so you get that out of the way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, something like you just break from home, right, if you wanted to, you can do that. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Or you can just go to whoever like, wherever the kitchen is or if there's a bar or whatever, and get a club soda. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That just kind of eliminates that yeah.
Speaker 1:Planning ahead Like planning ahead. We're just going to be intentional with what I'm going to do here tonight. Yeah, I'm not going to show up and be caught in a situation where I'm forced to make a split. Second choice Yep, these for me, my people-pleasing stuff comes up, oh my gosh Totally, oh my gosh, I don't want to. How do I say this? It's almost like I panic. Yes. I don't have a if I'm not intentional in the front end.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think these all are about being proactive and not reactive.
Speaker 1:I love that.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I think that's one of the reasons yeah.
Speaker 2:I think really having a plan around like how long you're going to be at the party, so like having an exit strategy.
Speaker 1:All the introverts listening are like that's what we do every day. You don't have that.
Speaker 2:I hear you introverts and I'm speaking directly to you.
Speaker 1:I do this every day, introverts go to the party thinking about when they're leaving, right? Yeah, this is what we do all the time. How long do I have to stay before that? Right, but no, that's so smart to be like, hey, listen.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Just even to tell yourself and to I would even drive separately, you know, so that you're not going with the group, so you're not having to rely on people leaving with you. Make a plan to call somebody before or after the party, preferably both, so that you kind of have that accountability buddy. Sure, yeah, so you know if alcohol is your drug of choice, you're going to a party with alcohol. You know it's going to be hard. Yeah, so you need that support.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And you know, hey, this is what's coming up for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I mean don't you think, if you're new into recovery, even in alcohol, because we talked earlier like if there's another drug of choice, just don't go to that party. But that could also be really good advice, depending on where you're at in your sobriety right. True, like even with alcohol like hey and I know that's tough, especially for extrovert people want to be like, but you might just be like, listen, it's too important for me at this time to keep my sobriety than to subject myself to that.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And then, at this point, talk about other things that we can do, like alternate traditions, celebrations, like how can we be proactive in creating experiences that we can enjoy that aren't harmful, or sobriety, yeah, that don't have substance.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that don't have substances. Yeah, I think it's kind of creating your tribe, right?
Speaker 2:Like who's going to be your support system? Is it going to be people from 12 step meetings? It can, it doesn't have to. Yeah, like those friends who are like, who can take substances and leave it like. You know, people have those friends in their lives that are like yeah, I drink, but I don't need to. Just like creating that tribe and then just maybe having gatherings that are intentional around, like, all right, we're going to get together and we're going to like decorate cookies or we're going to make ornaments or we're going to watch cheesy Christmas movies or like.
Speaker 2:What's? What is the focus of the gathering? Are we going to volunteer at a homeless shelter? That's awesome. But I just think it's like who is in your tribe, so that you're not just hanging out with random people and not knowing, like well, what's their view on substances, right, right.
Speaker 1:I had a friend just recently who's in recovery. We were going to something and there were several of us that were you know were are in recovery, but there was a few that weren't. And I was really and it was a smaller gathering but I was really impressed. This person just kind of asked. He just said, hey, I'm really, this is where I'm at in my journey, and everyone in that group was like oh, yeah no big deal, We'll, we'll kind of stand with you with that.
Speaker 1:Like everyone chose to not drink that night and of course they were closer friends and all, and this person felt safe enough to make this ask. But I just I thought to myself how many times, you know, in the right setting, the right place, if we were willing just to kind of ask our friends to show up for us in that way that they'd be like absolutely.
Speaker 1:Like we didn't know that was an issue, or we didn't know you're struggling there, or if you are struggling, we'll totally, you know, redirect our plans or redirect our you know choices for the evening to support you.
Speaker 2:I love that. I mean, you'll find in recovery who your true friends are oh, absolutely Right. And the people who are like yes, absolutely, I will do whatever I can to support you, and if that means I don't drink or use in your presence, of course right, it's a no brainer.
Speaker 1:Yep, talk a little bit about managing stress.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:I think these are super stressful. Financial stress, I mean talk about that a little bit.
Speaker 2:You just need to avoid it. I think I saw something online that was like that.
Speaker 1:I was just like are you kidding me? Yeah, that's great advice, that's not possible. Just avoid it.
Speaker 2:Just avoid the stress. Okay, I think the best thing for managing stress, especially early in recovery, is keeping a routine. Keeping a routine and really paying attention to those basic hierarchy of needs. So with that is making sure you're eating nutritious meals, which I say that it's not about weight, it's not about body image, it's about when you're eating well, you feel better. If you're eating crap all day, you're going to feel terrible and it's going to contribute to horrible sleep, and then you're going to drink more caffeine and then it's going to lead you to maybe relapse, right, I mean over the course of several weeks.
Speaker 1:Sure it should cycle.
Speaker 2:Yes, so making sure you're eating well, making sure you're sleeping enough, making sure you're getting enough water those basic hierarchy of needs Making sure you're getting enough exercise Again, this is not about body image.
Speaker 2:This is just about taking care of yourself and then sticking to that routine. So making sure you're going to your therapy appointments, making sure you're going to the number of meetings that you need to go to a week, making sure you're going to work Even when you're so busy and tired, that's your routine, and this is really hard during the holidays. I say this with so much compassion because, especially for those of us who have small children or children of any age that just like these get so crazy and then just the expectations around, like family and but if you can stick to a routine, it just makes it a little bit less susceptible to relapse.
Speaker 1:Right, I was just chuckling because I was thinking of your little one at the picnic we had a few weeks ago. Gosh just nonstop.
Speaker 2:Nonstop.
Speaker 1:The whole time. You're just trailing the whole time. So it's like you know when you said, especially with little ones, keeping schedule, but it is, it is so hard.
Speaker 2:But man it's.
Speaker 1:I tell you, for me that's one of the number one things like the. We used to do our PCIs here. I don't know if we still do them or not, but the craziness index all the way down to like are you making your bed in the morning? Are you on this? You know that kind of stuff. It seems simple, but like it's so important yeah. When my anxiety is up, I can normally trace it back to I'm off schedule, because I'm off my meditation time, off my you know sleep schedule. Right, it's a big deal.
Speaker 2:It is and I'm not saying you do all of that perfectly right, because we're human and we're imperfect, there's no such thing as perfect. But if you can do the best you can with some of that stuff, you're just going to manage the stress a little bit better. You're going to be mindful, right, you're going to be able to pay attention and, I think, honestly, doing a little bit of an inventory every night, of just reflecting, just reflecting on the day, of like what you know, not in a shame based way, but just in a way of like what, what could I have done better? Or what you know, what did I miss? Because this is such a crazy time and you want to just armor up in terms of I got to keep myself safe and there's a lot of kind of daggers coming at me right now, you know there's all these stressors.
Speaker 2:So what can I do to stay safe? Yeah, just stay mindful. Stay mindful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, this could be a stressful season.
Speaker 2:And so.
Speaker 1:I've got all the tools I need. I just need to stay mindful of it.
Speaker 2:And again I'm speaking to not just people in recovery from addiction, but with mental health stuff too. Because, this is a high time for suicide. And so like you know what do you need to do to take care of yourself.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, it's good advice. What are you drinking there? What's that water?
Speaker 2:It's vodka, can you imagine?
Speaker 1:Can you imagine?
Speaker 2:how wouldn't that be bold? That would be super bold.
Speaker 1:I don't know that that's would be within bounds of employment here.
Speaker 2:I would definitely hope not.
Speaker 1:All right, so let's switch gears a little bit. Okay, You're going to be crying me out so quick, all right. What about supporting loved ones in recovery during?
Speaker 2:the holiday season. Yeah, this can be hard.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it can be hard, and even where my mind goes first is like the reason why it's hard is because sometimes you got family that don't understand your recovery. There can be those that are already like in addiction themselves and maybe not aware of it, and so I don't know. Just speak to the loved ones that are listening right now that might have someone to recover. How can we show up best for them this holiday season?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I think the best way to do this is to not mind read and not be presumptuous around what you think your loved one might need, but just to be open and ask questions. So when I was early in recovery, I think my family just assumed things and they didn't ask questions around what I needed. So I got the ends of both spectrum. I got like everybody just acted normal and got kind of drunk around me Before I got the other end, where they were like there's a beer in front of Bridget. You better remove it because she's going to explode, right, right.
Speaker 1:That doesn't make you feel great, that's terrible, right, right, yeah.
Speaker 2:So I think the best advice for families is just ask questions, yeah, like, just have an open conversation about like well, what is this like for you? What do you need, what? What do you, what do you want from us? Do you want us to not have alcohol or whatever? I mean again, if this is a cocaine issue, don't have cocaine at the holiday dinner.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly yeah.
Speaker 2:Um, I think I'm speaking to alcohol, though. Yeah, yeah, no, um, but yeah, just have those open conversations, right?
Speaker 1:I love that so much. I it would not be my natural instinct to do that. I think I would be more in the camp of just managing it and just trying to avoid it or whatever. But I love the idea that that it's respectful, or maybe not just respectful but appropriate to say hey, what? What do you need from us? Yeah, this holiday, holiday season.
Speaker 2:And that can be vulnerable. Right, and so I have compassion for the family members around this, because you're also coming from a place of hurt and fear and a little trepidation, so so I'm not saying this is easy.
Speaker 1:No. Um and even some, some, dare I say some codependency involved there, where you're trying to manage someone else's emotion or how they might feel, and so I don't want to bring it up because I don't want to. I'm afraid of what you know, I mean that that's probably my deal is I'm, I'm trying to control how they're feeling or how they might be perceiving the situation. So I'm afraid to even ask, you know, out of fear of I don't want to offend them or I don't want whatever.
Speaker 2:But like you don't want to offend the addict in the coverage.
Speaker 1:If I, if I in this situation, I think I would be avoidant of asking what do you need? Because I would be afraid of what that person might, how they might feel by me asking the question.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay, what.
Speaker 1:I love.
Speaker 2:What your permissioning has to do is to to ask like it's appropriate to ask yeah, Because I think by avoiding that creates more dismissiveness of well, then, your story, you can create more stories right Around.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm just not going to ask and I'm just going to assume, and then, as opposed to, we'll just just ask and well, the truth is for me, if somewhere to ask me I would be so honored I'd be like, and I probably would say, oh, it's fine, like you're, you're good, whatever. Like I don't want you to feel like that weirdness or whatever but, I would feel so loved and seen if someone was to ask and genuinely care about what I needed.
Speaker 1:Yes, you know, but it's like so difficult for me to do it for someone else.
Speaker 2:You know, maybe that's something for you to work on.
Speaker 1:This is not a therapy session, I think. How are you?
Speaker 2:feeling what's coming up.
Speaker 1:Where's your nervous system? You're going to send me a bill. I'm going to have to. You know, it's like gosh. I got my personal therapy today. No, but that is so. That is such a helpful practical thing. That can happen, and again, probably not at like the, the table where everyone's sitting at Thanksgiving, and like totally probably a proactive like before the holidays decide to eat or something Not, you know and I think too, on the person in recovery it.
Speaker 2:You know, you also have the right to tell your family like hey, I'm not comfortable with this If there's going to be a lot of alcohol at the dinner. Like hey, I, I don't know if I can be around this. Like you have agency in what you're comfortable with?
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's great. Yeah, anything else to the family members or loved ones. Before I get, there's something I want to talk to you about gratitude before we wrap today too, but I don't want to. I don't want to sell you short of anything you've got written on that crinkled paper.
Speaker 2:Gosh around the family stuff. I think just those I mean. All I put is open and honest conversations and I just like speaking to the family I just have so much compassion for, for family who are going through this process. Yeah, because it is really hard, especially when you've been betrayed and hurt by somebody's addiction and you're trying to navigate recovery. It's it's hard on both sides, both ends. So I think it's just a lot of self kindness.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's great.
Speaker 2:Keep going to Alan on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:That's a bit. I mean, that's been a big deal for Jamie and I. Good and that you know, yeah, so thanks for saying that too. So I kind of want to wrap with this, because it is Thanksgiving and gratitude plays a really important part in recovery and sobriety. Could you talk a little bit about the impact of of gratitude? And not just kind of blowing, blowing past this holiday without understanding some of the power of Thanksgiving and yeah, I mean, I don't think you can have sobriety without gratitude.
Speaker 2:I was really thinking about it and I don't think. You know you, you get sober and you slowly start to see like I've heard this phrase from people and then I've experienced this myself when I got sober like you start to see in color that phrase of like you've kind of been living in darkness for a while and then things start to kind of Turn on and as time goes on, you know, the promises start to happen or your life kind of starts to bloom, and of course with that comes gratitude right. And life is still hard, life still has stress. Yeah, life goes on, people die, life is still challenging and through all the hardships you move through it and you feel gratitude through, through every hard experience. So I just don't think the two, I think the two exist together, right, yeah, yeah, you can't have sobriety without gratitude.
Speaker 1:I love that. What are some just in your experience, some practices, even just some daily practice, like how, or even for you, like how do? You incorporate gratitude into you know not to get you've walked through some hard stuff, or is it like? You know so how do you employ gratitude in your own life as you're dealing with pain?
Speaker 2:or you know, yeah, yeah, I think it's really noticing those. I call them glimmers. So, like you know, like right now the fall, it's so beautiful right.
Speaker 1:I wish people could see out this window, because the leaves are turning. I mean, it's just gorgeous here, it's breathtaking right.
Speaker 2:So like when you see, you know, a beautiful landscape, or you see a beautiful sunset, or you experience like a warm hug from somebody you love, or you connect with your kids, or you pet an animal that you love, or you know any of those things that just bring love, like you, just for me, I just put a hand on my heart and I take a deep breath and I just take that mindful practice of man. I'm so grateful to be alive. Right, I'm gonna cry. Thanks, thanks, drew.
Speaker 1:Well, it's so. It is like I got goosebumps when you were saying that just now, because it's so simple and it just like it's kind of convicting in a, in a like, a loving way, loving conviction of like. I move so fast through life sometimes I miss like those little simple things that you just said. I was like gosh, that's beautiful Like, but it's like slowing down to like the pace of gratitude it's like is oh, that tree looks beautiful today, you know, as opposed to just rushing into the car Right, you know the next?
Speaker 2:thing Right, and how often do we just rush through life and we, I mean and I do this all the time right. So this is why it's a practice Some days. I'm really good at it and, admittedly, sometimes it takes your ass falling off to really slow down and go like well, I, yeah, I have to like slow down and practice gratitude or going through something really, really crazy in your life to go like, oh shit, I have a lot to be grateful for, right.
Speaker 1:Totally so for me. I know like when you come towards like the end of the year, like it's giving Christmas, it's a reflective season as well. For those of us who are in recovery, or really this is a principle that applies to everyone, not just people in recovery and it could be mental health, but it just all humans. How would you just encourage us towards when we're reflecting on the year and then coming into the next year, what role part of gratitude play and all that?
Speaker 2:I don't know I was thinking about. I mean, just for the first question, just for people in recovery I was thinking about an assignment that my very first sponsor gave me about. She had me write down a list of all the things I could do now that I'm sober that I couldn't do when I was drinking. And that was just. I think I was like six months sober and it was 25 things. But it was a big list of 25 things and as time has gone on because I'm sober 16 years now- that list of things.
Speaker 2:That list has grown a ton. I mean I wouldn't be where I am right. So that practice can just be an intention around every year of like all the things that you can do as a result of being sober or as a result of the work you've done or where you wanna be in life, and just the gratitude around what you can put your mind to right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so good.
Speaker 2:It's around attention. I really believe in intention yeah.
Speaker 1:Man, thank you for sharing Anything else. Any final words, party words, any you have a joke, anything you wanna share with us.
Speaker 2:No, actually, no jokes, no jokes, no jokes. You wouldn't be able to hear it. Yeah, probably not from my mouth, I don't know. I think maybe my biggest takeaway is just be kind to yourself. This is a hard journey, so love and kindness.
Speaker 1:That's a big part of what you guys teach here.
Speaker 2:Self-compassion.
Speaker 1:I wouldn't want for anybody that is thinking about coming to a program like this to know one of the first things that you all do for us here is help us with self-compassion.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, a lot of people are coming in. I know I did toxic shame, all this other stuff, yeah, and it's almost like the very first thing is like hey you're gonna be okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You're human. There's some brokenness.
Speaker 2:We're gonna deal with all that stuff, but especially during the holidays. I love that message Talk to yourself like you would someone you love. Mm-hmm, that's a good word, sounds simple and it's a practice, because we're really critical with ourselves. So this is hard work and gratitude, right yeah. When you feel those glimmers, it's really it's working Well.
Speaker 1:Thanks for being on today, thank you, thanks for begging me to finally be here. Thank you for finally responding to my email. I feel it's worth it. I'm pleasantly surprised at how this went.
Speaker 2:Wow, me too.
Speaker 1:Well, we appreciate you listening to this episode of the Valiant Living podcast and our hope is that it helped you feel educated, encouraged and even empowered on your journey towards peace and freedom. If we can serve you or your loved one in any way, we'd love to have a conversation with you. You can call 720-756-7941 or email admissions at valiantlivingcom. At Valiant Living, we treat the whole person so you not only survive, but you thrive in the life you deserve. And finally, if this episode has been helpful to you, it would mean a lot to us if you'd subscribe and even share it with your friends and family. You can also follow along with us on Instagram and Facebook by simply searching Valiant Living. Thanks again for listening and supporting the Valiant Living podcast. We'll see you next week.
