Valiant Living Podcast
Boundaries For Loving An Addict with Tyi Reddick
Ever wondered how one can juggle a passion for music, a taxing day job, and the emotionally taxing role of supporting a loved one through addiction? Meet Tyi, an extraordinary member of the Valiant Living team, who shares his inspiring journey with us. Tyi's story begins with a loving family and an undeniable talent for music, mastering 14 instruments by his high school graduation. As he navigates his whirlwind life, Tyi provides invaluable insights into maintaining joy and purpose, even when faced with the challenges of addiction and recovery.
Grasp the emotional rollercoaster of addiction and recovery through the touching account of a father’s unwavering love and a desperate plea for his son's life. Tyi and our team delve into the intricate dynamics of supportive relationships, the transformative power of desperation, and the significant impact on families dealing with addiction. Hear about the personal sacrifices, the heartache, and the moments of hope that keep families going, even in the darkest times. Through these deeply personal anecdotes, we shed light on the resilience needed to support a loved one through their recovery.
Discover the empowering journey of setting boundaries and reclaiming one’s identity amid the chaos of addiction. We explore the crucial steps towards self-empowerment, from recognizing and overcoming codependency to the importance of finding supportive communities. Tyi's narrative beautifully illustrates the impact of prioritizing self-care and setting clear expectations, not just for the loved one struggling with addiction but for oneself as well. Join us for this poignant and powerful episode that is a testament to the strength and resilience required to navigate the turbulent waters of addiction and recovery.
Ever wondered how one can juggle a passion for music, a taxing day job, and the emotionally taxing role of supporting a loved one through addiction? Meet Tyi, an extraordinary member of the Valiant Living team, who shares his inspiring journey with us. Tyi's story begins with a loving family and an undeniable talent for music, mastering 14 instruments by his high school graduation. As he navigates his whirlwind life, Tyi provides invaluable insights into maintaining joy and purpose, even when faced with the challenges of addiction and recovery.
Grasp the emotional rollercoaster of addiction and recovery through the touching account of a father’s unwavering love and a desperate plea for his son's life. Tyi and our team delve into the intricate dynamics of supportive relationships, the transformative power of desperation, and the significant impact on families dealing with addiction. Hear about the personal sacrifices, the heartache, and the moments of hope that keep families going, even in the darkest times. Through these deeply personal anecdotes, we shed light on the resilience needed to support a loved one through their recovery.
Discover the empowering journey of setting boundaries and reclaiming one’s identity amid the chaos of addiction. We explore the crucial steps towards self-empowerment, from recognizing and overcoming codependency to the importance of finding supportive communities. Tyi's narrative beautifully illustrates the impact of prioritizing self-care and setting clear expectations, not just for the loved one struggling with addiction but for oneself as well. Join us for this poignant and powerful episode that is a testament to the strength and resilience required to navigate the turbulent waters of addiction and recovery.
Well, hey, everyone. Welcome to the Valiant Living podcast, where we educate, encourage and empower you towards a life of peace and freedom. I'm your host, drew Powell, and I'm a grateful alumni of the Valiant Living program. Valiant Living offers hope and transformational change to men and their families struggling with addiction and mental health challenges. So on this podcast you'll hear from the Valiant team, as well as stories of alumni who are living in recovery. If you or someone you love is struggling to overcome addiction or trauma, please call us at 720-756-7941. Or you can email admissions at valiantlivingcom. We'd love to have a conversation with you, but for now, let's dive into today's episode. I'm just excited because I've been chasing you for this podcast for months, since the beginning of the podcast.
Speaker 2:I was like I want.
Speaker 1:Ty on the podcast and you just keep pretending like you're too busy.
Speaker 2:I'm too busy man. I'm too busy, I don't know. Let me just shut the door real quick.
Speaker 1:I will have your back and say you are probably one of the most I won't use the word busy. I'm too busy, man, I'm too busy. Let me just shut the door real quick. I will have your back and say you are probably one of the most I won't use the word busy. You're the one of the most active people, especially your role here at Valiant what I want to talk about here in a minute but I just feel like you've got your hand in so many different things. You walk with great intention and purpose. You always are walking fast to the next destination. But I I wanted to have you on because, first of all, I just love you, love your personality. I met you for the first time at a. What was that thing we did? It was like a rally, uh that payton the rally for recovery yeah, um back in what 2022?
Speaker 2:yeah, was it it was and um, yeah, I'm the photographer for them. I was working for them at the time. Yeah, and the Rally for Recovery is just this massive event where you get to see people living their truth out loud in recovery. Yeah, you know, free of the shame.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Free of the guilt. It's like, hey, I know that guy Right, I know that girl, I know those people and we're all in recovery together and this is what it can look like.
Speaker 1:Well, you came up at that event with such energy. I was like I just want to know this guy. You were just so excited. You were just like hey, I'm Todd, and giving out hugs. I was like who's this photographer man with so much joy? And you really do lead from that place here at Valiant. You lead from that place here at Valiant. You lead from a place of joy, and I know that's a very stressful job what you're doing. You're doing a lot of stuff, you are very busy, but it hasn't seemed to rob you of your spirit and your joy, which I really appreciate about you.
Speaker 1:So I wanted people to hear your story a little bit, what you do. But we do have a theme today, a topic that we want to go into that I'm super excited about. Have a theme today, a topic that we want to go into that I'm super excited about. We're really talking about how to not lose yourself, lose your own identity when you have a loved one in addiction, which I hear people talk about a lot. So I think you're going to be able to bring a lot of great wisdom on this. You've experienced this, you've walked through it yourself, and so. But let's start with just you your journey, introduce yourself to the Valiant Living podcast audience and just kind of your story how you got to this point.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so um, my name is Ty, uh, full name Tyrone, um which I don't go by much very often, except for you know, important documentation. It's like here's my full name, but Ty is what I go by. I grew up in a loving family. They gave me the world, and my parents made great choices and everything. Addiction was never really something that showed up in my family, and so I went through high school. I was a band nerd. I was a total band geek. Yeah, what did you play? So I started playing piano school.
Speaker 1:I was a band nerd, I was a total band geek. Yeah, what did?
Speaker 2:you play. So I started playing piano when I was four. Ok, my mom saw something in me and she's like let's get that kid signed up for lessons. So for a couple of years I did lessons and eventually I got tired of my Korean piano teachers.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I was like, nope, nope, I don't want to learn any more of those chords, and so I started to self-teach myself all the instruments I could possibly learn. So, by the time I graduated high school, I had about 14 instruments under my belt.
Speaker 1:You're one of those guys I was. I was you know what?
Speaker 2:I was not a jock. I was not great in the classroom. Music was the language that spoke to me. I'm a creative person, yeah, you know, and that, for me, was my first outlet where I could literally sit down next to the radio. You know, with any instrument that I had I could hear whatever the chord progression was or the song and just I got lost in the sauce if you will.
Speaker 1:That's cool, you know, and I loved it. Did you have a primary out of the 14?
Speaker 2:Was there, like the one you kind of gravitated towards?
Speaker 1:the most, or were they all so?
Speaker 2:piano and saxophone okay, yeah, alto saxophone were, that was your heart. Yeah, and then whatever else. I was a low brass guy myself. But I tried it, man I, so you didn't make your fort tuba didn't make it in the 14th I did the trombone one year, but I had to do the valve trombone instead of a regular slide.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was like I'm not going to spend the time learning all that? Oh no, that's funny. Yeah, so lost in band music. That was your world in high school.
Speaker 2:And that was probably one of my first big disappointments too was right after high school. I went out with the intention of I'm going to go to music college, I'm going to do all these big things, you know, not really thinking about the bigger picture. Um, and my mom and dad were like yep, no, you're not going to music college. Like your grades all sucked.
Speaker 1:You barely graduated high school.
Speaker 2:So community college? It is Um, and so I went to community college. You know, worked my first major job around that time in a restaurant and about the age of 21, 22 is when I really found my thing, which was drugs, and I was a meth and heroin user for almost 15 years, wow, and I went down the progression. I was looking for going, you know, back back, going back just a little bit. You know, in high school I never really fit in, you know, and I've always felt that way in my life. I was like who, where do I belong? Who am I? I'm a people pleaser, through and through, you know, and I'm. Codependency runs through my veins. Well, fellow, codependency runs through my veins.
Speaker 1:Well, fellow codependent, yes, yes, yes, I'm a social chameleon. Yeah.
Speaker 2:But as soon as I found drugs and the restaurant world, which went hand in hand, I started going down a path of, you know, trying to connect to people for the wrong reasons, and I use meth and heroin for geez. Like I said, up to 15 years. My early twenties were, you know, managing if you will. You know it was like, oh, I can hold down a job, I'm doing great. You know, I've got my friends still, you know, maybe a couple of people are starting to go away. But you know, around the 30 years old, um was when I really saw that I had a problem. Um, my partner at the time of 11 years, uh, threw a 30th birthday party for me on a rooftop bar downtown in Colorado Springs, where I grew up, and, um, I proceeded to get annihilated. Wow, um, and in front of my partner, I made moves on other people. Um, and that was. That was like the first probably not the first, but that was the first time that I saw a red flag.
Speaker 1:Right, you started recognizing. Hey, this is a problem.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and did I do anything about it? No, I saw it. I wasn't ready to confront that issue. Progressively things got worse and there's a lot of trauma in my childhood life. When I was 19, I was actually sexually assaulted.
Speaker 2:It happened again later in my 30s and then throughout my 30s I switched over to IV use and that was just a complete train wreck and I thought that what I was looking for was in the drugs. You know in the friend circles that I kept gravitating towards, you know, and I finally ended up in a basement. You know by myself. I was living in my drug dealer's house at the time, couldn't even afford. I think we made a deal for like $45 a month some random, obscure number and I couldn't even afford that. You know I was out stealing Keurigs, you know from King supers, you know, just to try to pay the drug guy Couldn't hold down a job anymore. Um, if I did, it was just long enough to get that first paycheck Right. You know I had no semblance of who I was and I didn't even know who I was in the beginning, but I'd completely lost track of who that was at this point. I was a slave to the drugs, to my own trauma to this life that I felt originally just drawn to. And there I was just lying by myself on a floor and I remember in this basement room there's a little bathroom. You know, I wasn't even taking showers, I wasn't brushing my teeth. You know like I was the clothes I was wearing, you know they were right. They were right man, um.
Speaker 2:But I remember, you know, we'd go out in the middle of the night, whatever crew I was with at the time, we would go out with this truck and we would go look for apartment complexes where people that had been evicted and their stuff is thrown on the front yard and we would go digging through that. You know, we would find, um, dumpsters behind, like food pantries and stuff where they were throwing out food. And I would, you know, at first I was like, well, I'll never be that kind of drug addict, right, I'll never reach that low. And here I am diving into a dumpster for a couple bags of bread. I'm trading off possessions that are super important to me for a bag of dope. Relationships that I have, I'm putting them on the back burner. I'm relationships that I have, I'm putting them on the back burner. Yeah, yeah, and more times than I care to remember.
Speaker 1:You know, there were people that I would hurt inadvertently, right, right Did the addiction just took over everything Just completely? What was the turning point for you in that? I mean, was that, was that the low for you when you got to that place, what? What was the thing that kind of helped you not snap out of it, cause I know it doesn't work that way. But how did you kind of come to the realization of I've got a problem and I need to get help?
Speaker 2:Yeah, Um that gift of desperation that people talk about Um.
Speaker 2:So I had a best friend who I'm still best friends with today. Um, his name's Steve, and Steve ended up going to the salvation army. Through a series of events, through court-related events, and the whole time Steve was there. He would call me. He would call me almost every single day, a little two-minute conversation. He's like hey, what are you doing? Do you want to try this thing called recovery?
Speaker 2:And there it was, in the back of my head constantly, this gnawing thought. But I was like no man, I'm good, I'm proud of you, I'm good, but I'm not ready to do that. So I have this thing in the back of my head buzzing like hey, there's a better way, there's another life out there. I don't know what it looks like. And I'm terrified of what that's going to look like, because what I'm currently living in I'm comfortable in, even though I'm miserable. Sure, sure, sure. But the other turning point was my dad, who has always been the biggest trumpeter in my life. Man, that guy, he still calls me Tiger. I am about to be 43 years old and the man still calls me Tiger.
Speaker 1:I'm going to have to adopt that. I like that which I like, Drew, don't you dare.
Speaker 2:You dare Um but I love it. Um, but my dad who've side story? You know, my dad has always been there for me, um, even when I was not able to be there for myself, even when I was doing everything in my power to push my family away. You know I didn't realize it, but you know my dad would cry himself to sleep some nights and my mom and I had a really tumultuous relationship because of that. She was able to kind of put her guarders up and protect herself from that, but she had to experience what my dad was going through, watching his firstborn son basically killing himself. And so my dad would come to me you know this little hole in the wall basement that I was living in and he would take me to the grocery store and you know he would spend like $40, you know on me at a time and at first he gave me cash, which was a huge mistake. You know I would take that money and run with it. But one time we were driving to the store and I didn't cover up my arms for once and my dad saw these little bumps up and down my arm from where I was using IV drugs and out the corner of my eye. I still remember this.
Speaker 2:I saw my dad hold back tears while he was trying to just have a conversation with me, and he asked he's like what's going on there? And we just have a conversation with me, um, and he asked he's like what, what's going on there? And we just didn't talk about it, we moved on from it. But at one point he told me he's like hey, bud, I'm not going to be able to keep coming here and do this If you're not going to get help, because I'm watching my son die. And that still resonates in my head to this day.
Speaker 2:And so my dad essentially pulled away for a little bit, and what led me to finally say enough was enough was in that basement. I have literal bags of junk surrounding me Four walls, one door, one window, and around this room are black bags of children's clothes that I would never use and random tools that I don't need, piled literally to the ceiling. I'm sitting in a room full of trash and I'm trying to use the drugs. At the time I'm using a needle. That's not good for me, um, and I tried six times and it would not work, and I just laid there on the floor crying and I had a phone at the time that worked on wi-fi only and I remember it had the shittiest reception. Like it would not work to save my I couldn't call the drug man the dude if I wanted to.
Speaker 1:I need you to make one phone call.
Speaker 2:Seriously and I was pissed, but for some reason I decided to call my dad and it went through clear as day.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:And I said, dad, I need help. And you know the numbers changed a little bit Cause you know I like to embellish a little bit, but what should have taken him about 30 minutes to drive to me, pretty certain, took him about 10 minutes. Um, almost like he was just waiting for that phone call. He came in, swooped me up his little boy, you know, put me in the car and we never went back. A couple of days later I made the call to the salvation army over the weekend and, mind you, in that moment I had that gift of desperation. I was like enough is enough, I'm done dying. Over the weekend, before I got into the Salvation Army, I definitely tempted fate a little bit with maybe I can get high just one more time. Nobody's going to know. I don't know that they're going to UA me when I walk through the door of the.
Speaker 2:Salvation Army. They're just going to trust me man the addict. And so I got into the Salvation Army of February 27, 2018, which is my clean date. That's amazing.
Speaker 1:Thanks for sharing that man. I'm deeply impacted by that. Just the Father's love, him waiting for you to call that. You know, and part of what we're going to talk about today is is that how to? How to know how to show up for people who are in addiction? Right?
Speaker 1:I think your dad was a great example of of that, um, but it's really easy to lose yourself in the tornado that is addiction, right? I think about in my own life how the people closest to me had to go and do their own work because of the effects of living close to my addictive personality for so long. Right, and so there's their own work, but sometimes, when you're living in close proximity to an addict, it changes and shapes who you are. And so when we were texting back and forth about what we're going to talk about specifically this episode, I thought just based on your own personal experience of being on the attic side of things. And then you have experience and you share as little or as much about this as you want, but experience of being on the side of the caregiver of the attic. So you know both things.
Speaker 2:You've been rescued. You've been the rescuer, you know all of it.
Speaker 1:And don't let me forget, because I do want to talk about your role here at Valiant as well, because the work you do here is incredible. But I just felt, just after you talking about your dad, just kind of diving into this topic, talk about from your own personal experience how does addiction play a role or a part in the people that are surrounding the addict and I know that's a huge like you're, like Drew, we didn't even ramp into this.
Speaker 2:You just went right for it, so I can speak from my own personal experience, which is the best place for me to speak from my own personal experience, which is, you know, the the best place for me to speak, you know, I you know, we were texting.
Speaker 2:I told you, you know, I recently got out of a relationship, you know that, with with another person who's in recovery. Um, we were together four years and it wasn't until we moved in together, um, that a lot of the red flags that I had already been seeing finally were glaring in my face. You know, and um, it was October of 2022. I, uh, went down to New Mexico and went to go photograph a wedding down there, um, and when I came back, it was just something felt off, um, and my partner was on the couch sleeping and I was like you got a job.
Speaker 1:You better get up. What are you doing here right now? What is going on right now?
Speaker 2:And it took me about 24 hours to find bottles hidden in the apartment and finally put it all together and it just immediately. My solution was cool, let's get you sobered up and let's move on. Let's get you to a meeting, let's get you to connect to your friend's support group and from that moment up until recently probably about six weeks ago my life became their life. It was looking around the apartment and developing this almost subconscious thing for me was to go looking for liquor bottles anywhere I could find them in the apartment, because I did not realize you could hide liquor bottles in all the places. I was finding them Right.
Speaker 2:I was like this is a nice $2,000 couch the nicest couch I've ever bought in my life Right, and there's liquor bottles hidden in the crevices. Yeah, you know, there's liquor bottles hidden in the pantry, in the laundry hamper. You know, underneath the dresser, you know the bed is a platform bed and it lifts up and there's a space in between. You know, I recently found a bottle that's probably been in there for for years.
Speaker 1:You're kidding me, so you're still stumbling upon bottles that were hidden creatively.
Speaker 2:And for me. I didn't see it at first, but as I started to go along I realized I'm traumatized. Right now, like every day, my habits have become I need to find bottles. Which version of my partner am I coming home to today? What potential thing has happened in the apartment? You know I'm working, you know, 40 hours a week, and then I'm also working, you know, in my photography company. So I'm putting in, you know, 30 to. You know, 30 to 40 additional hours per week, and then I'm also coming home to the chaos right of someone else's addiction that I have now decided I need to be a part of and try to fix right, right.
Speaker 1:It sounds all consuming and exhausting when you describe it. I'm like man how does anyone? But I'm sure there's people listening right now who are like man they're, they're just relating because they're like. I've lived this for years the fear of not knowing what you're gonna find or when's the next relapse, or what's gonna, what version, like you said. Who am I gonna get when I get home? That kind of stuff?
Speaker 2:why do you think it's so easy for people to lose their identity in that, yeah because, at least for me, I saw the potential right. I saw who my partner, I knew my partner was in recovery. You know that's how we met, you know. So for myself, I saw what that person could be.
Speaker 1:I saw you have hope.
Speaker 2:You're like yeah bingo, I had to hold onto hope, yeah, and otherwise it could have destroyed me. Yeah, you have hope. You're like, yeah, bingo, I had to hold on to hope, otherwise it could have destroyed me. You know, I had to hold on to the idea that like, okay, I know it's been working for me and my recovery, you know. So, when I'm interacting with my partner, like hey, here's, here's the basic tools, you know like let's not make it complicated, know, but but let's do something and hope. Hope carried me through a lot until it didn't sure, um, because I can recall walking into work and you know, I had that one co-worker who you know she's she's like a sister and a mom at the same time and I made eye contact with her one day and I just lost it.
Speaker 1:I was laying on the floor, you know, just in a mess, because I was exhausted from trying to make someone else do this thing called recovery that I knew would work, but they weren't ready for they have to want it, yeah, yeah, well, and as you're describing it, and just to clarify and I know I can speak for you on this I know you well enough that if someone's listening to this, we talk about losing our identity, in that there's there's no shame, like when you say it like well, it makes sense that someone would lose their identity because you love this person, you care about them, you're trying to help them, you're trying to hold everything together. I know my, my wife, would say that part of her codependency was formed of if I could just help keep him happy and content, then the wheels aren't going to come off and so she ended up spending her whole life not her whole life, but 20 years of marriage trying to keep me okay, so that I wouldn't blow up everything.
Speaker 1:Well, spoiler alert guess what I did?
Speaker 2:It didn't work, and you know you think that you can try to control what's going on in your life. You know, with with my partner, it's like you know I I became paranoid, you know I was. I was afraid of who I was going to come home to. So I would tiptoe around that I would come home to someone passed out on the couch. I would come home to somebody passed out in the bed and the bed would be soaking wet and I remember I would go lay on the floor next to the bed to go to sleep and my partner would wake up from the middle of whatever was going on and see me there. And then we'd be up until 3, 4 o'clock in the morning dealing with my partners crying because they felt bad, because they're like oh, you were sleeping on the floor, I'm so sorry, there was a lot of gaslighting. Yeah, there was a lot of you know. I know this because, like you said, I've lived in addiction myself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and now I'm seeing it, the the reciprocal you know there was. You know we had a little change jar that I would throw all the change in from my you know serving job, that I worked on the side and I would go in there to go pull out quarters for laundry and I noticed like the money's dwindling. You know, I looked around the corner one day and one of the playstations was just gone. You know, like I said, the liquor bottles. And then finding out, you know, I went outside one day to take the puppy outside for a walk and I looked at the dumpsters outside and there were three liquor bottles hidden underneath the dumpster outside. And that's where I started to realize I'm I'm obsessing over this thing. Right, you know, it's not my addiction, but I am developing my own traits around that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, and now here I am thinking like what can I do to save you Right, and I'm losing every part of myself. You know one of my bosses from my previous job. He finally just gave me permission. He's like you know, you need to talk about this, you need, you need to get this off your chest because as a peer coach at the time, you know, and now as a case manager, you know, I, I believe you know that the people should know a little bit about you. I don't think they should always see you as being this big, strong superhero type individual. I think they should see the real side of what's going on type individual. I think they should see the real side of what's going on Um and so.
Speaker 2:I started to tell people about it. You know, one of the recovery meetings that I, that I facilitate, I just, at the end of the meeting, I said hey guys, I got something to tell you. You know, and this is what's been going on in my personal life.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know, and that's why I haven't been showing up to certain meetings and doing certain things Right and um a lot of people, everyone was open yeah receptive to it well, a big reason why this conversation, I think, is so important, why I want to have it with you, is because what we see a lot at valiant is guys coming to get help and and I say guys just because we're our men's program here, but it applies either way but men coming in to get help, and even though the partner wants them to get help, there sometimes is a lot of, and again, if anyone ever feels shame, then you're not hearing what we're, what we're what we're saying here, but because it's so understandable why you'd feel this.
Speaker 1:But all of a sudden a guy finally makes the the leap to go get help, get treatment. But we find that sometimes that partner really struggles to to let go. There's still codependence and control and it makes sense Because you've been living in this, as you said, all-consuming. My identity is in this and all of a sudden he's gone. I don't know what he's doing, I don't really know these people and maybe the reason why we do this podcast is so people can listen and get to know the great team we have here. But it's still scary. And now all of a sudden, overnight, you're expected to break some pattern of codependency and and let this person go and get help Like it's.
Speaker 1:It's challenging, so and you're like you said, you've lived both sides of it. You work in an environment where you experience this all the time a case management, all kinds of stuff. So you're dealing with families and you know all this kind of stuff. So talk about that for a minute. Talk about how the, the difficulty of kind of finding your own path, your own way, while you know denine has a he calls it loving leverage, which I don't know if that's his original term or not. I like it better than ultimatum it feels more compassionate.
Speaker 1:But in your journey in story, how did you begin to recognize that this is a pattern? I'm losing myself and I'm going to have to start drawing some boundaries. And what is it? What did that look like for?
Speaker 2:you, um. So I think one of the major realizations I had while all this was going on was you know, I work with a sponsor, you know, as part of a 12 step fellowship, and I was open with my sponsor about what was going on. And he finally just looked at me one day and he's like, have you cried yet? Wow. And I looked down, I was like, no, it's not going to happen, like I need to stay strong. I need I need to, I need to carry everything, because that's what I've been trained to do over the last you know however do over the last.
Speaker 2:You know however long that I've been dealing with my partner's BS right now yeah, again, not to shame anybody, it's just you know. And so finding, wow, finding myself. Yep, I realized when my partner would go to rehab. You know that I would throw myself into other things. You know I would work more. You know I would. I would forfeit time with people that cared about me. You know, I didn't even go to see my family as much, um, and it wasn't until my partner finally left and I looked at them and I said you know this, this is done Like I'm losing myself in all of this at this point and I said I need to go, I need to regain my power back and in doing that, you know I might have a. I have another family, the Denver fire department, um, I photographed them as part of my, my side job, um, and are familiar with my story and what's going on with me.
Speaker 2:I fell back on them From one chaotic relationship to the next chaotic relationship, riding around on fire trucks, chasing every little five-year-old's dream, right, right, right. But I felt safe there and I went to the places. I felt safe. I found the things that were important to me. Photography has always been something that, for me, was something that nobody could ever take away and I had to jump back into that and I had to embrace it and the people that I would photograph, the relationships that I built. Because of that. I had to really fall back on those Because I'm still trying to figure out you know who's tie. Right now that's an everyday thing. I know I'm loving. You know I know I deserve love. I know that I try to be as kind as possible, but sometimes I got to run that to a 10th step.
Speaker 2:People will tell you you I definitely have some tough love at times.
Speaker 1:Yeah um well, and kind of just interject and say you do that as brilliantly as I've seen anybody, because you can hold the line, you can be tough, but you never lose. I've seen, you've never lost a heart of compassion. You have do. You have that gift and I think it is based on your experience, you know, but on both sides of addiction. So you know this world in and out very personally. But it's one thing I love about how you lead here is you lead with, with, because here's the thing you don't make it in this. If you can't be tough, you have I mean, all the guys coming in here I think probably 10 out of 10 are dysregulated at some point and pause and all just you know, out of their minds. Basically, I know I was, and so jr was with my case manager and he was the same way. He wasn't going to take crap, but he was also. I always felt like he cared for me. You know, and I think it's critical in what you do.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, and you know some of the guys who come through here, you know entitlement right through the door.
Speaker 1:Gosh.
Speaker 2:And, and I, you know my, my response, my schema. We talked about this yesterday, oh my gosh dude, oh, my gosh, you know, and I need Ty, I want Ty, ty and I'm like good morning, yeah, hello.
Speaker 1:We haven't even addressed each other as humans yet. Please and thank you.
Speaker 1:Like slow the fuck down, man. Well, you are in some ways the catalyst for a lot of these guys to get what they think they need or want right. So you're kind of the gatekeeper in a lot of these things, and so I want to, before we move on, I want to start breaking the patterns and cycles of codependency for both of us. She finally got to the point where she said listen, you need to go get help. Her exact words to me were I'll hold space for you. She was very clear. She didn't say we're going to be together, we're going to stay together. She's like I want you to go get help, work the program, and when you get done we'll see where we're at.
Speaker 1:But what she did next which I think is it tends to be rare you did this. That's why I want you to speak to it. She let me go. And she said I'm going to choose we learned a phrase here in treatment provisional trust. I'm going to choose to trust Valiant, to care for him, do what he needs to do. Now I'm going to let him go and I'm going to do my own work, because I've been traumatized, I've developed behaviors and patterns from living with an addict and so probably for I would say 45 of the 90 days ish.
Speaker 1:Give or take her. And I didn't have, we didn't talk, yeah, she said. And then when we did talk, it was under therapeutic supervision. It wasn't just like, hey, what's going, it was like, and it was like all business, it was bills and finance. And we worked our way back towards come to find out it's pretty rare for people to do that. It's hard for people to do that, to completely let go. But why? Why, from your experience to people especially affected partners, betrayed partners why do they deserve for themselves to let that person go, even if it's for a season, and really focus on self-care?
Speaker 2:Let's dig in deep on that one. Joe.
Speaker 1:Enough of this small talk. Ty, because you did it. You had to draw boundaries and you had to make tough decisions, and that was very difficult.
Speaker 2:I did. You know it was affecting everything in my life. You know, I was giving up who I am. You know, like I said, I'm, I was giving up who I am. You know, like I said, I'm still trying to figure out who I am, but it's important for you to give that up for. For me to set those boundaries was empowering.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I had spent two years of my life tiptoeing around someone else, becoming this big in the process. Yeah, you know the things that I loved to do were becoming, you know, my escape, rather than the things that I loved. Wow, and you know other little things in my life, like I was telling you earlier about text messages. You know, my phone was blown up with messages and I couldn't I couldn't dedicate anything to those people, and so the reason why it became important for me to finally release that was I. I need to feel safe again, and the only way to do that is to put you at a distance. I need to be able to walk into my own home and not go into this obsessive behavior, looking for things that are triggering me, digging through my partner's phone to try to find proof and then wondering am I the one going crazy, while looking at my partner, who's sitting there very obviously deep in their addiction, struggling with whatever they're struggling with, you know, I finally had to say enough was enough.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Cause if I didn't do that, I guarantee you. You know my, my recovery was in jeopardy. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, and the I think the illusion is what I needed was for my wife to draw that boundary and for her to use that loving leverage. That was a thing that inspired me and motivated me to continue to do the work, which I think sometimes in the codependence mind, it's like if I let go, if I draw this boundary, then you know where our mind goes, to the worst case scenario, right, or whatever. But the truth is a lot of times what the people we love in our lives need is for us to have enough self-love and respect to stand up for ourselves, draw that boundary and at least for me, it was a thing that says, hey, she's doing her own thing, I can't use her anymore, can't go back, she's not gonna let me go to those old patterns, I gotta be here. I can't talk to her. I want to talk because in my mind is an addict, a manipulator and people.
Speaker 1:If they would just let me talk to her, I could fix this thing, yeah, I mean how ty you're laughing because you know that I would have dug a hole so deep.
Speaker 2:How many times did I hear some sort of manipulative statement? Right, you know, it's the. I love you baby. Right, you know or you know like I promise, this time will be different.
Speaker 1:This is the time, yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, or you know I'll you can look through my phone and, like you know, all these little promises that you know for that moment Right, little promises that you know for that moment give you that little spike of hope again. You know, but for me it was like that pattern had been so consistent of give me promises and then completely destroy them that finally, you know, that wall started to come up, and in the best way possible. You know, it took me a long time. You know, and I understand there are people who've been in relationships for five, 10, 20, 30 years with a loved one and I reiterate that, a loved one who is struggling with addiction in some form. It took me two years to finally get to that point where, in a loving way, I said enough was enough, where, in a loving way, I said enough was enough. If you don't go and just take care of you, I can't do this, I won't do this anymore.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for yourself. Yes, I care about myself enough to which is it's so tough when you love somebody, isn't it? It's so tough when you love somebody, isn't it Because the tragedy is in order and sometimes and it's not always the case but in order to find yourself again, you have to lose somebody that you love. Now, that's not always true. Sometimes, like in my story, you kind of find yourself again, you come back together as different people and you learn how to live again, like my wife and I would say we're on our second marriage now. You know the first marriage is you don't want that guy back, right, that's. You know. But and you know we're learning. But at the same time, you know, without putting words in your mouth, how would you describe where you are today? Because the courage it takes, the pain, the sadness that you have to endure someone you love to hey, I can't continue on in this life with you this way. How would you say when you look at yourself today, how do you feel about it?
Speaker 2:I feel it was the best decision I could have made. I feel it was the decision that I needed to make for me in order to thrive in order to grow again.
Speaker 2:I also feel, you know, and in my codependent way, you know, my people pleasing and my self-sacrifice. You know, part of this was also my, my hope that my partner would see like this this is enough, is enough. You know, either I go get and seek the help that I need and allow my other, my partner, sure, to get the space, cause that was part of my stipulations which, again, you know, I would go back and forth on where I was at in this relationship, you know. You know I, I love you, but I don't want you around, you know, and the longer my partner was not around, the easier it became for me to have those boundaries. Um, and then I would fluctuate, you know, like, oh well, here's part of my condition list in order for you to come back. And finally I said, here's my here's, here's what I need. I need to find a therapist to process what's happened. I need you to go away for X amount of time I think the first time I said it was like a year, you know, treatment and then go spend time in sober living, you know, and that will give me time to reset. Yeah, that'll give me time to look around this apartment and hopefully not have those negative associations anymore.
Speaker 2:Right, you know not be weary of. You know I lost a lot of trust over the last two years. You know not be weary of. You know I lost a lot of trust over the last two years. You know my interactions with people. You know I I become very skeptical, sure about what their intentions are and I'm like that's not me right right why am I like this right now?
Speaker 2:oh, because I've been living in someone else's addiction for so long.
Speaker 1:Yeah, trauma response. Right. I'm so grateful that you were willing to share this story because I know it comes at a great cost to you. You've endured a lot of challenge, pain. I even know some of your physical health. I mean it was taking a toll on you. I remember one day you walking out of the office and visibly you were drained. You had nothing left, but you were leaving to go care for yourself, which is what I love about you. It's what it's, it's you. You practice what you preach. You know you don't just you know help the guys here with that, but you know when you have to call a timeout and what you did in your relationship is you know I I believe what a lot of people need to do to get healthy for themselves, and it is tough. Sometimes that partner comes back around, sometimes they don't but at the end of the day, they have to want it.
Speaker 1:They have to be the one to say, hey, I want to change, I want to do something different. I'm going to stop making the promises. That was the thing for me, like my family, they could care less what I said anymore.
Speaker 1:They were tired of my talking. How am I going to show up every day? How do I show up every day? And so I hope this podcast the reason why I want to have this conversation and it's one of many we'll have on this topic, because what we want is for the people listening to this that have had a loved one that's struggling with addiction to feel, hey, you're not alone in. It makes total sense why this is not your fault. We learned here. It's about fault and responsibility. You do have a responsibility to care for yourself, but it's not your fault. You've been living with someone who's sick and unwell, you know? Um, I want to. Before I let you go, I want you to talk a little bit about your role here. At ad valiant, I knew we'd get there eventually. Well, you're, we kind of went. This is the nature of our friendship anyway the roller coaster of we went heavy and then deep and then now we're in you know and who knows where we'll it'll take us, but your role here is vital.
Speaker 1:It's an integrative role to just about everything. Um, I'd love for you to explain in your own world, own words. The director of case management. Is that right?
Speaker 2:I get that title right. I don't know if I'm allowed to have director in front of my name yet.
Speaker 1:That's too much responsibility I'll just, I'll just declare here now the vice president of um, but you are very um a very crucial role into the life of the guys here. Explain a little bit about what you do here at Valiant.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so you know, case management. For me it looks like getting someone from point a to point C, you know, and all the things in between, all this stuff behind the scenes it's happening. You know, the therapists are doing the heavy lifting. You know, with trying to unpack the past. You know, with trying to unpack the past and trying to figure out why am I like this? What's going on? And the housing department, the freaking rock stars of this entire program, dude.
Speaker 2:I worked in housing when I first started here and I get it. Managing 14 cats, dude.
Speaker 1:Well, especially after they go through therapy, they dig up a bunch of stuff and then we jam them all in a van and take them back to a house. Oh boy, what do you think is going to happen?
Speaker 2:But my job is to handle all the stuff in between. All that, whether it be as a peer coach too, guys come in and talk to me. We do a little assessment, we kind of figure out what they need. Do you have court stuff coming up? Do you have doctor's appointments, you know? But it's also helping them figure out, while they're here, what they need. It's like, okay, so you need to get connected to a car, all right. So what steps do we need to take? You know, do you even have your license? Oh, do you have a hold on your license? Let's figure out all these little back steps, all these little things to get you what you need. What do you have, what do you need and how do we get it. That's my role, essentially as a case manager, is to fill in that gap.
Speaker 1:I'm laughing because that's such an enormous job. But you do it with a lot of grace, man, you really do. But it really is a liaison between all the different departments and you walk with these guys through their whole process here.
Speaker 2:And I love it.
Speaker 1:Do you?
Speaker 2:I truly do. Yeah, I get to get pretty close and personal with these guys. A lot of them just camp out in my office.
Speaker 1:As you've seen, I've got five guys deep in my office and we're all chilling on the couch having a good time.
Speaker 2:And at the same time I'm also doing case management. You know I'm listening to these conversations they're having, you know they're they're mentioning, you know, maybe a girl in their life or you know they're mentioning a job, you know that they're working and I'm like hey, how many hours are you putting in right now? And they're like yeah, probably like 25. Cool, check that box off. You know what's. What home group are you hanging out at right now? Cool, check that box off.
Speaker 2:You know very relational approach to case management, Bingo and then, when we need to get more in depth, you know, and have those private conversations, I'm like, hey, come back and come see me. Or, you know, I love to bring in the people to give their feedback as well. It's like, hey, man, this is not a solo endeavor. Okay, you know we, as people in recovery, make terrible decisions. You know we need 20 other people to tell us what not to do, and then we listen to maybe one of them if we're lucky.
Speaker 2:And so for the community to be involved in that. I'm bringing in people to help me with that rather than trying to take it all on myself. It's like these are the people that hopefully you're going to have these relationships with down the road, the people that you're going to trust and listen to, that call you out, that know you a little bit better than any of the therapist ever will. Because, let's be real, when you guys get back to the house, that's when the real magic begins Exactly, exactly.
Speaker 2:And I want those relationships to be a central part of you know. Hey, man, let's process what's going on. Yeah, let's talk about it.
Speaker 1:You know, what's so interesting to me is that I just connected the dots on hearing your story and your love for music, and that being the place where you just found connection and purpose and thrive. And what you're doing today it's you know, this might be weird to say, but it's so musical, do you know what I mean? Because it's so like in music you're listening, you're, you're knowing when to play and what to play and, as you're, I was just sitting here thinking this is jazz.
Speaker 1:I mean, it's like you're sitting here listening and it's part of the creativity that you bring. That showed up in music, it shows up in your photography, but it also shows up in case management. It's a thread between all of it. Is this creative person who sees people who can relate, and man, I'm just so, I'm so grateful for the work that you do here at valiant. You're making a difference in guys like me in our lives every day. Last word anything else you want to leave us with, anything else you want to say do we miss anything?
Speaker 2:there's always more on the table man, let's be honest, there's always I finally locked you in and got you.
Speaker 1:You know there's probably 10 fires that you have to go put out after this podcast.
Speaker 2:I mean I will be completely honest. I I've been terrified to do the podcast really like I have. I have such high anxiety dude, it's not even funny.
Speaker 1:I thought it'd be you just yeah, you're so natural it was you know I was fearful because I didn't know what to talk about.
Speaker 2:You know and I know how things just kind of fall into place and you know like everything happens for a reason this was the right time, the right place, yeah yeah, so I, um, I appreciate you for holding this space.
Speaker 2:Yeah, um, you know, for those people out there listening, you know the loved ones, you know the ones who are struggling with someone who's currently in active addiction, whatever that might look like, you know it takes what it takes. You know you finally get to that point where you just say enough is enough. Um, and I encourage you to seek people. Don't don't worry about what everybody else is going to think. Go find those people that support you. There's meetings, there's groups, there's all sorts of organizations that are there for us, the loved ones of people who are struggling, and connect with them. They're powerful resources. We also offer those here at Valiant too. I hope one day you get Brooke on here who does the craft group. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she does the community reinforcement and family training. You know we need boundaries in our lives, because those boundaries have been completely blown out of the water.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:You know we're tiptoeing around someone else and who we are as people has been completely lost in that mess. Don't be afraid to find yourself again.
Speaker 1:Well, we appreciate you listening to this episode of the Valiant Living Podcast and our hope is that it helped you feel educated, encouraged and even empowered on your journey towards peace and freedom. If we can serve you or your loved one in any way, we'd love to have a conversation with you. You can call 720-756-7941 or email admissions at valiantlivingcom. At Valiant Living, we treat the whole person so you not only survive, but you thrive in the life you deserve. And finally, if this episode has been helpful to you, it would mean a lot to us if you'd subscribe and even share it with your friends and family. You can also follow along with us on Instagram and Facebook by simply searching Valiant Living. Thanks again for listening and supporting the Valiant Living podcast. We'll see you next week.